Oct 14-28, 2014 | story of 2009 near-separation, search for explanations. Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
My story After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD (after a year of job-seeking funded by me). A good listener, 10 years younger than me, better-looking and athletic, he'd been courting her from week 1 and was omnipresent throughout her move. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him and generally take the S in strides.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant. The "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me because it means doing nothing. What I'm not so good at is detach, but the no-contact has helped me a lot. I see a therapist since BD. _________________________________________________
Success stories I update this list every time I start a new thread. Feel free to make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
