Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[Sotto]

Hi Gan, I relate to what you said. In my last job, I worked as a coach as part of my role, and we sometimes used to look at a 'life wheel' - where you have the wheel broken up into (say) eight segments - Work - Relationship - Children - Finances - Home - Leisure - spirituality/faith etc. You then 'rate' on the wheel how happy you feel with each of these areas of your life.

For most of us, there are areas where we feel really positive at different times in our lives. And at other times, there is more challenge. And of course the picture is constantly in transition. Your post just made me think of the 'wheel.'

You seem to be saying/asking - I'm good at my job - but am I/was I a good partner? My IC always said how imperfect we all are. We are 'crooked staffs' And that's fine. I'm sure for many of us we were 'good enough' partners. By no means perfect and we could always have done more.

Some people have very specific and difficult regrets from their partnerships - they worked 24/7, they were unfaithful, drank, abused. But for me, it's more that there were things I just didn't realise at the time, and I made some mistakes. I thought I could 'fix' things and so forgot to really listen, I became complacent about our love life etc. These are things I now look back on and know I could have done differently, and they contributed to our M breaking down. H also did things that contributed - and ultimately he may well regret these (A) more than I regret my stuff.

I guess it's what you do with it that matters. From what you say, it doesn't sound as though there are huge regrets in your 'wifely behaviour' to come to terms with - but things to learn from, for sure. And either your H - or some other lovely guy is going to benefit from this is the future. The important thing is not to be too hard on yourself, be kind to you. We are all imperfect and doing our best in these complex and challenging situations - by which I mean marriage!