Susana (6) - Feelin' Stronger Every Day

[susana4]

We ML again last night. This time wasn't as passionate, but was very tender, and there was a lot of kissing and hand holding.

But first, I'll back up.

H arrived back around midnight and was in a really good mood. Or maybe it was that I was in a really good mood and he reflected it?

He ate some of the curry and lemon rice I'd made, and I sat at the table with him and had a cookie and we talked and joked and laughed. He *loved* the food and he wouldn't stop telling me how much. "You're so clever, I can't believe you invented these cookies!" "I make you crap food and you make THIS" and "I get to come home to the most AMAZING food!"

I got in bed and he came to say good night to me but was in a very jokey/playful mood and started teasing me about how grumpy I am in the mornings. He got in bed and said he was going to do an impression of what I look like when I wake up in the morning (it made me laugh). Then he settled into the bed and he said "oh I'm so comfortable". It seemed like he didn't want to get up and sleep on the sofa but I didn't invite him to stay.

We started playing a game where we tried to pick each other up. (Clearly I lost very badly, and he won by a mile. lol) At one point he picked me up and put me back down but was still holding on to me, and then he just stared in my eyes for a really long time, and started running his hands up and down my body. I kissed him very briefly - only a second - which was what my DB coach suggested (just doing a quick kiss). He pulled back so I didn't initiate again. He kept caressing me but then he looked like he was about to cry so I stopped him. He started touching me again and then stopped himself, saying "this is a bad idea, I'm drunk but you're so beautiful."

We had a pseudo R talk. We were lying down (him lying on top of me) and holding each other for the whole thing.
He told me repeatedly "I don't want to be a d**k, you're so beautiful. I just don't want to be a d**k and you're lovely." I asked him how he thought he was being a d**k but he didn't say, he just kept repeating he didn't want to be. He also said "I think we're both just really horny individuals." (Basically, I think he meant it would just be sex - or perhaps that he hasn't changed his mind about our M)

He then told me "It's really hard living with you sometimes, you're so beautiful and I get turned on all the time." Now, this wasn't good, but I lost control over the first bit and started crying. He very gently wiped the tears away from my eyes and said "why are you crying? I was complimenting you." I apologised for being hard to live with and he said "you're not. I love living with you".

H then apologised for making a move on me, and said again "I don't want to be a d**k." I told him that there was no need to apologise, it was flattering, everyone likes to be attractive. He told me "you're so brave". I kept asking him what he meant by that but he just kept repeating it, and then eventually said "because you keep smiling. You don't have to. But it's nice." (I'm still confused about what he meant by this but he wouldn't clarify) So I just said "I smile because I'm happy." And he said he was happy I was happy.

We then talked a little bit about the sex we had the other night. Of course that turned both of us on. Then he kissed me - really tenderly, and really, really long. We ML. It was completely different to the other night, which was very physical and animalistic. This time it was very tender, we kissed a LOT (pretty much the whole time) and he kept stroking my hair and holding my hand. Afterwards, we kissed and then he pulled me into his chest for a cuddle. My head fits really perfectly into this one spot on his chest and we used to call it "my spot" and always talked about how his chest was made for my head, or vice versa (in fact it was one of the first things we talked about post-BD, how much we'd both miss cuddling like that), so it felt nice but a little strange after 3 months of not having my head there.

Then we had a very weird exchange. He said "well I guess I better get in bed" and started to get up like he was going to the sofa. I didn't say anything (inside in my head I was screaming "DON'T freak out, don't tell him to stay, don't freak out" - but I was a bit upset because I'd expected him to stay, since he did last time - i know, no expectations). So I bit my tongue, and he went to hug me but I didn't really reciprocate (I know I ended up being a bit cold but oh well, it was all I could do to keep from saying something I'd regret so I couldn't fake warmth on top of it). And then he just looked at me for a few seconds and then said "Can I stay here?" I said yes, and he went and got his phone and charger from the living room and set it up next to the bed and set his alarm.

We settled in to bed. I stayed over on my side, not touching him, but he kept putting his leg up against mine and then eventually grabbed my arm and pulled it around him so I was spooning him. We used to always sleep like this.

We ended up ML a second time, and again it was very tender, with a lot of kissing, stroking each other's faces and him stroking my hair. Afterwards, he said "we *do* have really good sex." He again pulled me towards him so I was spooning him and we fell asleep like that.

So, my goal now is to remain calm and not let this throw me into a tailspin like last time. So far this morning I feel good. Then I want to figure out:
1. is this good for me?
Well, it *feels* really good and I have a very high sex drive so physically it's been very good.
Obviously, freaking out and being clingy/pursuing was not cool after it happened last weekend, so I'm not sure if it's good for my emotional health. Will see how I react this time.
In the longer term, well, a lot of my friends are warning me I will get hurt because ultimately I want to save my M and if my H doesn't I'll get hurt. Not sure I buy this because I will be hurt if we D, regardless of whether we've been ML.

2. does this move him closer to me, or further away, or nothing? / is this good for my DBing?
On the one hand, my DB coach (and I believe it's what it said in DR) said that ML can be very good because it brings a couple together. She also said that while sometimes sex is just sex to men, it's also key to men for deepening their feelings and they tend to feel connected after sex (assuming they have an emotional connection, not just sex for sex's sake).
On the other, if we take the view 'act like you are just starting to date', I definitely wouldn't be having sex at a very early stage (well, depends on how far into 'dating' we mean).