Susana (6) - Feelin' Stronger Every Day

[susana4]

I want to circle back to the cold/clingy thing - does your anger manifest in a coldness usually?

Yes - usually coldness and b!tchiness. Sometimes I'd go cold/withdraw/stop talking and then he'd repeatedly ask me what was wrong until I exploded and got shouty. Other I'd go straight to shouty angry and then go cold/stop speaking/walk away. It especially bothered H when I walked away in an argument but it wasn't always a conscious choice, sometimes I'd just do it in.

Now, I'm trying to catch myself and not be reactive in arguments and act more calm instead of cold, and calmly explain my view.

He's singing to you about food;) does this count as a move toward you in your book? Is this his way of showing interest in you? Or interest in food?

I'd say a little of both. He loves making up silly little songs. We used to sing one about chores when we were doing housework together, and we had a "date night song", too. He always told me he loved that he could sing his little songs around me because most people made fun of them, but I always found it endearing.

Your feelings are totally normal. God knows there were days I looked down upon my H and had so much anger for him. Everyone around here goes thru it. But S will have a better chance to come around IF there is unconditional love (at somewhat a distance?) while you decide IF he is someone worthy of you and who you want to fight DB-style for.

Hugs, you're doing great!

Thanks Z, good to know it's normal. I've come to realise my feeling fluctuate wildly throughout a week or even a day - sometimes I feel really happy, other times down, sometimes very loving towards H and sometimes very angry, like earlier.

My overall goal which I try to keep in mind is unconditional love. Before I started DBing or even discovered it, I did a day of meditation and introspection and thought about my sitch and what I wanted to do. I concluded that no matter what happened, I wanted to be able to consistently love H throughout the whole process.

Of course, that's harder some days than others.

Loving from a distance makes sense. I guess deciding whether he is someone worthy is best done from a distance too. (This detachment thing I am always hearing about but finding hard!) From a distance I can see more clearly and not get sucked into anger, etc.