Had a lovely evening with my friends. Although we somehow got into an argument with the owner of an Italian bar because we wanted decaf coffee. He was not impressed. He had decaf, but didn't want to make it for us. But it was like 10:30 at night, for Pete's sake!
Got back around midnight and thought H would be in bed because he usually turns in around 11, but he was still awake. Should have stayed out later!
He seemed really...indifferent? Like, at first he wasn't speaking to me so I left him alone completely and ignored him. He then got a bit chattier and we joked around for a few minutes and had a laugh, but he didn't ask me how my evening was, or who I met, although I asked him how his was (answer = boring, spent the evening on Facebook and watching TV lol) . I asked him if his friends were staying here this weekend or if he was staying at theirs, and mentioned I might not be here Friday night, he just said he was going to spend the whole weekend at his friend's, and didn't ask where I was going.
Then he just stared at me and didn't say a word so I decided I had to end it first and said good night and left the room.
I am really proud of myself and happy I went out tonight.
Wednesdays have always been our date night, and even since BD, we've always ended up spending Wednesday together apart from when he was on his ski trip, and one other week when I said I was going to yoga and he texted me later to say he'd made dinner plans with a guy from work (not saying it was because I made plans but it definitely seemed it).
We never discuss it but we seem to always end up doing something every Wednesday - from drinks to yoga class to geocaching to just having dinner at home.
But every Wednesday morning, I get nervous and wonder what's going to happen and basically end up spending the day wondering and waiting. And unable to make other plans. I'm so used to keeping Wednesdays free I automatically turn down or move all Wednesday invites.
Earlier this week, my friend asked me to come for dinner this Wednesday, and I hemmed and hawed. Eventually she said she understood my hesitation and I could join them depending on what happened with H and could decide on the evening, depending on whether he came home and said he had no plans or wanted to do something.
This morning, I thought eff it, I'm going to see my friends, I'm not going to sit around waiting and wondering all day about H. If he wants to do something, he can bloody ask me/make plans.
I can't sit around and wait for him forever.
So it was a little hard, but I put on those heels and I walked forward.
And I'm glad I did.
Last edited by susana4; 02/26/1512:42 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Feeling a little bit down this morning, and I'm not sure why when I had a great time last night. I went to bed quite late so maybe it's lack of sleep.
But I was having one of those moments of anger this morning where I looked at H and thought - I want to leave and never see or speak to this man again. These thoughts come and go.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Keep going....you're doing the 'right' things so far as long as you keep your anger/resentment at bay.
Oh man, Wonka. You totally called this.
I am stewing in anger and resentment this morning. It's not good.
Rant coming up... With a whole lot of "why" questions that I know aren't productive.
I am so mad at H. Why is he being so nice to me when he's done with our M? Why is he still HERE if he's done with our M? I mean, I know we agreed to stay in this flat for financial reasons until I get my visa sorted out, but he didn't have to stay. If he's done, why the eff doesn't he just want to get as far away from me as possible, so he can "be himself". And he certainly doesn't have to be nice to me, or continue doing my laundry, or do things together. I mean what the @*$%.
But then OTOH why the he!! is he indifferent when I start to pull away? Does he really not give a crap about me at all?
And what is wrong with ME that I want to be with this man? How can I want to be with someone that told me he wants to leave me because he wants to ride a bike and play video games?! How can I still love him?
And why the f*** won't he at least give me SOME HINT of what he's thinking? I know better than to start R talks, but for heaven's sake, SOMETHING, some hint of some emotion.
I just want to punch him. Or run away. And never see him again.
/rant
I know it's not helpful to wonder about the whys, and I won't find out why. But I needed to vent.
And I'm having a hard time reconciling all this with my DB coach's advice - which was to invite him to do something ("do what works, and what you've been doing is working") and potentially even initiate a kiss.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I said before I wasn't sure how re-attraction works in a non-sexual sense. I think I may have accidentally stumbled on how to re-attract in a non-physical sense. Maybe?
I mentioned before cooking and food are really important to me (and something H will miss). I recently read about uttapam, which is "Indian pizza" with onion and chilies that you eat for BREAKFAST. I mean, *amazing*.
So, I went out and bought some uttapam dough mix the other day, and was planning to make it for my breakfast on Saturday.
H saw the uttapam box on the counter and asked me what it was. I explained and of course, he thought it sounded fantastic. (H and I have very similar taste in food, to the point where we used to always accidentally order the same dish in restaurants.)
Now, H picks up the box every morning and comments on it. He's even made up a song about uttapam that he sings to me each morning.
I don't think he's put 2 and 2 together and realised I am *not* making the uttapam for him.
If he happened to be here, I would offer him some. But he's spending the weekend with his college buddies, so he's not gonna be here. And I'm not going out of my way to make it when he's here.
In the past, I would have. I would have waited to make it until he was home.
But now, I'm not waiting around on him. I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hey Susana. 100% agree you don't have to make that for him. However, I do think at some point it would be odd for you to not mention it.
For example, if he said "wow, that looks good, can't wait till you decide to make that because I bet it's my new favorite meal!!!", and you didn't say anything back, and then made it without him...that wouldn't look detached, that would look kind of inconsiderate.
Instead maybe you'd need to say something like "shoot, I actually got that for a lunch I'm having with a friend. If its good maybe we should get another one next time we go shopping."
Point is I agree with your ability to run your own show, but careful not to do anything uncharacteristically dismissive on your journey to walk your own path.
Keep going and great job!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
With a whole lot of "why" questions that I know aren't productive.
This is very eerie. I've been having so many of these same questions lately. If I replace your H with my W this could apply to me.
I’m angry, why is she still here, why is she so nice, why am I still so attracted, why no hints….
Even though all these “why” questions aren't productive, it's really hard to keep them out of my head.
I did buy a punching bag to hang up tonight. I’m looking forward to the exercise and stress release.
Take care.
I think maybe it's just part of the LBS journey. I know personally I go back and forth on being angry. So I try to bear in mind these feelings come and go.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Although we somehow got into an argument with the owner of an Italian bar because we wanted decaf coffee. He was not impressed. He had decaf, but didn't want to make it for us. But it was like 10:30 at night, for Pete's sake! 
lol) . I asked him if his friends were staying here this weekend or if he was staying at theirs, and mentioned I might not be here Friday night, he just said he was going to spend the whole weekend at his friend's, and didn't ask where I was going. 
