Susana (6) - Feelin' Stronger Every Day

[susana4]

Keep going....you're doing the 'right' things so far as long as you keep your anger/resentment at bay.

Oh man, Wonka. You totally called this.

I am stewing in anger and resentment this morning. It's not good.

Rant coming up... With a whole lot of "why" questions that I know aren't productive.

I am so mad at H. Why is he being so nice to me when he's done with our M? Why is he still HERE if he's done with our M? I mean, I know we agreed to stay in this flat for financial reasons until I get my visa sorted out, but he didn't have to stay. If he's done, why the eff doesn't he just want to get as far away from me as possible, so he can "be himself". And he certainly doesn't have to be nice to me, or continue doing my laundry, or do things together. I mean what the @*$%.

But then OTOH why the he!! is he indifferent when I start to pull away? Does he really not give a crap about me at all?

And what is wrong with ME that I want to be with this man? How can I want to be with someone that told me he wants to leave me because he wants to ride a bike and play video games?! How can I still love him?

And why the f*** won't he at least give me SOME HINT of what he's thinking? I know better than to start R talks, but for heaven's sake, SOMETHING, some hint of some emotion.

I just want to punch him. Or run away. And never see him again.

/rant

I know it's not helpful to wonder about the whys, and I won't find out why. But I needed to vent.

And I'm having a hard time reconciling all this with my DB coach's advice - which was to invite him to do something ("do what works, and what you've been doing is working") and potentially even initiate a kiss.