Masterpiece still in progress...

[Jer2911]

Wierdest TM'ing with W this afternoon... Started with her typing "Babe..." then next message telling me that guy at work asked if she was single now... I typed "?" then she said "at work"... went on to explain that there is apparently another single lesbian in another department at work but she's not W's type so W thought she would tell me for when/if I'm ready to start dating other women... So we go on to discuss that with me saying that I'm not ready... and we just went on and on about the idea of me dating other people -- or at the very least me going out to dinner "as friends" with women just to start getting back out there and her telling me to go ahead and do that and that she's okay with it... So I said I might go out with a friend next weekend and then she asked if she could go out to dinner with one of her friends next Thursday (a good college friend who is straight and happily married) -- I said yes then at the exact same time we both typed "Just put it on the calendar" and then we both typed "LOL" at the fact that we were typing the same thoughts at the same time... It was so light-hearted and friendly and continued that way through the rest of the conversation... And interactions at home this evening were still light-hearted and friendly between us...

I do have to admit -- when I first saw the word "Babe" on my phone followed by the message about the guy asking if she was single, I almost wanted to TM back "Um, you do know you are texting Jer and not OW, right?" But decided against trying to stir up monster in case she really was meaning to text me... Wanted to see where this conversation went if that were the case... and boy did it go somewhere I never expected...

Super strange... I mean, I appreciate the friendly banter which I've really missed, but the topic of conversation about dating other people made me sad... My W has a jealous streak in her and I was kind of hoping that at some point down the road I might start going out with one of my friends and that might cause my W to rethink things a bit (but I know that's still a long way off if she ever starts to wake up)...

And of course, I couldn't help but think as we were having the TM conversation that maybe she's telling me all of this to help her absolve herself of guilt over her OW... Which I'm pretty certain that's one of the motivations behind her encouraging me to get back out on the dating scene...

It has been such an interesting week here in MLC-ville... If I weren't immersed in it, I'd be grabbing some popcorn to watch all of the craziness going on with my W this week. For those of you keeping score at home:

Sunday night, Monday, Monday night = monster, raging & fire-breathing monster unlike anything I've ever seen
Tuesday morning = starts out in monster mode then crumbles into sobbing mess with me -- calling me baby, holding hands, hugging, tears unlike anything I've ever seen from her, but still talking about separation
Tuesday night = civil, almost friendly
Wednesday morning = friendly
By Wednesday afternoon = Super friendly TM banter about me dating other people but also starting the TM with "Babe" which she hasn't texted to me I don't know how long... then very friendly at home... But still sleeping downstairs on the sofa, still focused on separation, and as far as I know still in contact with OW...

Right at this moment I am so glad that I recognized what was going on so early after BD (within days) and that I recognized at the same moment how much help I needed to get to a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically as quickly as possible because I started all of that work immediately (even before coming on to these boards)... So glad I did all of that then because it's really helping me deal with what is going on this week. I'm just shaking my head at what I am observing in her.

At the very least -- this gives me hope that at some point we can come through this and be best friends who can excel at the co-parenting thing together... Of course, I'd love for a miracle to happen and for her to emerge from this realizing and feeling all of the love for me that I know is just buried deep within her somewhere, but I know that I've got to prepare for the worst while I hope for the best.