Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

Um, she says she doesn't like the personality of her daughter? That is just wrong. Find a way to document that, and you'll definitely get full custody.

It is really messed up, and it's not the first time she said that. Last time she mentioned it in passing, something along the lines of "she's definitely your daughter, unfortunately." My parents would say sh*t like that to me when I was growing up--"you're just like your mom/dad." I never thought that my W of all people would say things like that, especially since being a parent was her life-long dream.

Just a thought...why does getting herself together involve dating? Perhaps she is already interested in someone or has perhaps taken actions in that regard that you are not aware of.

Well, she *has* been saying how she started liking just about every other man she saw shortly before she left, and that was a sign to her that the R is a failure. So maybe. The thing is she keeps meandering between "independence" and "needing a partner," and really there's no way I can tell if it's for show or indecisiveness. Historically, she's always wanted a 50/50 relationship, but from what I've been hearing lately she wants a man who would lead and be more of a decision maker. Maybe it's just a reaction to feeling lost, or maybe I've just been such a bad H that I just don't know what my W really wanted all these years. As I've mentioned before, it's not particularly in her nature to be interested in art/music/tech/history/sports or anything else folks do for individual recreation or mental intrigue. I think she just likes to go out with people and have a "good time," and all the better if there's someone who she doesn't utterly despise to show her new and exciting ways to do that.

Still you should continue to reflect on YOU and continue any GAL and self improvement activities that you can do. You can't control W and you shouldn't try. Make your life and your child's life the best it can be given today's reality. Make sense...?

It does make sense. The truth is that I've been quite the homebody all these years and became very isolated (read "living under a rock"). Lately it's been a complete inversion--I'm out there meeting new people and surprisingly, having a good time. It's also allowed me to go to social venues with my daughter that I would never have considered in the past, and she's having a great time too! Yes, it's amazing what not being an elitist antisocial ass can accomplish.

[Sotto]

That's such a hurtful and inappropriate thing to say about your D.

I can understand that she may struggle with her feelings towards your D. Particularly if your D is very like her Dad, and you aren't top of the list of your W's favourite people just now.

But if I was feeling that way, I think I'd be trying to process it internally, or saying I had some negative feelings towards her right now as she's so like her Dad....and I need to deal with that.

[eclipse]

Been a few days since my last post (~3 years in LBS time), might be a good time to jot down some notes.

Things have been progressing at a snail's pace. W took a weekend trip out of town with our mutual best friend (I shall refer to her as "Ace"). We had a brief conversation about taxes when I went to pick up our daughter, and toward the end she mentioned that after we get that out of the way, we'll eventually have to get to the "other paperwork." Oh, and she let a big one rip while I was waiting around. Awkward, but we had a laugh about it and honestly, I felt emotionally relieved. Oddly enough, she texted and called several times during her trip to ask about our daughter even though we've already spent this much time away since the whole mess began and there was no such inquiry back then. Improvement? Who knows.

Meanwhile, I've developed other problems. Spending so much time with Ace during this crisis has resulted in some very inappropriate redirection of feelings, and now I'm seeing her as more than a best friend. Couldn't have happened at a worse time, and my therapist is telling me to pursue (that can't possibly be healthy advice). I've also been called out for poor job performance, which I suppose is understandable given that I haven't done much except blankly stare at the monitor for the last 4 months. I'm going to start applying elsewhere just in case.

Attempting to keep busy...practicing on the keyboard, trying new recipes, working on my fashion sense (compulsive shopping much?), started calligraphy and sketching again after many years. It's not enough though, still not enough. I want to move out, but the money issue is unresolved and I feel trapped. I am adrift.

[eclipse]

I'm taking a personal day tomorrow to rejuvenate, but seeing as how we might be having crappy weather I sent a text message to the W asking about possibly driving our daughter to school. She turned me down, then once again started asking about getting the ball rolling on the divorce. Is this some sort of trigger? She's allowed to ask for things, but I'm not allowed to offer?

I'm just going to continue ignoring for now since it still causes my anxiety levels to skyrocket every time she brings it up. But I think if push comes to shove, I'm going to have to decline bowing out gracefully and drag the divorce out as long as humanly possible...and then some. Just because she can't remember the "for better or worse" part, doesn't mean I should just as easily throw in the towel. If she hates our family so much, then there's nothing else I can do but try and fend her attacks off as long as possible. How tragic that we ended up switching roles.

[eclipse]

Okay, it's bothering me now. How can I rebuild trust if the W intentionally prevents all opportunity to do so? It seems like a catch-22--she can't give the R another chance until she can trust, but I can't earn the trust until given another chance. Maybe I'm stupid and missed something in all this.

And the pattern is definitely recurring...she randomly calls and asks me to take care of our daughter outside the normal schedule, but freaks out when I offer. Just the other day, I was about to leave for work when I get a call about how it's cold and she'd like me to drive D to school. No problem. When I get there, she maintains distance, doesn't really say anything, and instead gets into a sort of staring contest with me. So weird.

[eclipse]

I didn't know I was so far gone. I tend to dig around in my memories a lot these days, and I realize now that the W was talking about divorce since the summer! She was actually describing how we would go our separate ways, and that she would even help me find someone else--WTH? I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am really afraid now. How could I have been so oblivious? I was doing better since the start of that year, but apparently was also doing worse at the same time. How is this possible? Was I becoming unstable? Will need to discuss in IC.

[eclipse]

W called today, sounding very upbeat. Apparently she gave up on trying to buy an apartment and has been hunting for a rental. Reason for the call? One of the places she saw reminded her of me and the kinds of things I was looking for back when we apt-hunted together (even floors, parking, etc.). And it's right next to her folks--not far from where I am now (and where she will be soon).

Why? What does she care where I live? First she tried to send me far, far away. Now this. No reminders of divorce/separation/lawyers/accounts. She just seems so...pleased with herself and doing things on her own. How sickening.

[Mozza]

I didn't know I was so far gone. I tend to dig around in my memories a lot these days, and I realize now that the W was talking about divorce since the summer! She was actually describing how we would go our separate ways, and that she would even help me find someone else--WTH? I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am really afraid now. How could I have been so oblivious? I was doing better since the start of that year, but apparently was also doing worse at the same time. How is this possible? Was I becoming unstable? Will need to discuss in IC.

The same was happening to me a few months ago. I would dig into old emails and find red flags that I had missed. A week before meeting OM, for instance, she wrote me she was miserable and would like to know a way to take a break from each other. I had completely missed that. Why? Because we're overly confident. It can't happen to us. It's just daily grudge, these things come and go, it's part of an argument, etc. Many of us find the signs leading to S after the fact. That's why I've started to be more blunt with friends about the red flags in their relationships.

[eclipse]

W is going to the circus with daughter and Ace today, and during the morning call about return time started bringing up "official business" again. I was in a rush to put breakfast on the table already, so I politely excused myself. When I dropped D off, W asked if I could come in to talk while wearing that nervous smile of hers. Of course it was a bad idea, but it's true that I used avoidance in the past (on the list of grievances) so I can't keep doing that indefinitely either.

We talked. For an hour. She no longer maintains physical distance and seems quite comfortable sitting next to me. Neither does she exhibit panic when talking. She's..."normal" now. I feel anxiety but maintain composure and a steady, calm voice. I think she hates that. Abridged exchange follows (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER).

W: Why won't you talk about this issue? You always do this...always leave things in limbo.
Me: This topic makes me sick to the stomach. You are asking me to do something which violates my core values. It took over five years and almost destroying myself to understand what matters in this life--how can you expect me to do something contrary now? It's not like I can just go back to being the way I used to be, and even if it were possible, who in their right mind would want to?

W: You're just being stubborn. You're always being stubborn <insert apples::oranges comparison to work here>. If family really matters to you, you can find someone else and make another one, and I can do the same. I don't want to have another child with you.
Me: How come? Am I doing a poor job with this one?

W: No, you can be a great dad. But that doesn't mean we have to be together. We should never have been together this long and should have ended things when we started fighting a year after we met. The only reason we stuck together is because we both had confidence issues.
Me: But then our daughter would never have been born.

W: You know what I mean. We don't work well together and bring out the worst in each other. And you always wait until things get really bad to make any changes.
Me: You're right, I can't imagine how hard it must have been watching me live the way I have. You shouldn't have to tell me--I've spent a lot of time figuring out where I went wrong. But how could I have known then? How could someone who never planned on being a parent have known that family life could be so amazing?

W: I don't care. I remember how I used to talk about "we." Now I realize how much I hate it. I am my own person and want to think about "me." I have free will and I want to do whatever I want.
Me: I don't really know what to tell you.

W: I'm tired of waiting. I'll give you two months. Do you really want to throw away all that money on lawyers? I've been trying to do you a favor and avoid that. You know if we go to court, I'll get the divorce anyway, don't you? We can split now and maybe in two years we'll be good friends, or we can fight it out and be enemies.
Me: So you're giving me an ultimatum? I don't really understand how that leads to friendship.

W: You're the reason both of us feel stuck. You're just using your emotions, and I'm being logical about this. If I was being emotional like you, I would just go back. But since you're not here I can actually think clearly.
Me: I'm sorry it's taking me so long to catch up with you. I really am trying to see this from your perspective.

W: Here's what I'll do for you. I will come to your next therapy appointment and see if I can help with you moving forward.
Me: Thanks, I will think about it.

In the end, she was annoyed and started taking stabs at me. She also popped some Tylenol and said something along the lines of "I never get headaches, you're gonna cause me to get liver failure." I took the pills too, if only for the sake of comradery. By now they were also running late and she asked for a ride to the train, and I agreed. While we were walking to the car, she kept rambling on and on about how she doesn't need luxuries like being driven around, that she's learned to get by without it. Then she quietly got in. Mind you, the guy she almost ran off with before we got married? Yeah...he had a car, and that was one of the reasons (sorry, teenagers back then).

During our short drive, she started asking about what can I do if I'm not going to give her any paperwork right now. She asked about child support payments...how would I like to start making them, or if I would like to not pay them at all. She also asked if I could at least take her name off the utility bills and the joint checking account. Then she pointed out where that apartment she recommended was located (it was on the way), and mentioned how she didn't want it was too inconvenient for her parents to visit and thought it wasn't too far. And finally, our destination. I told her I will think about everything she said and wished her and our daughter to have a good time.

So I did not try to persuade her to come back...just dissecting the thought process. I realize that judging by this encounter, it sounds like everything is going to hell. But sitting there and actually talking to her normally...seeing her in the daylight...it makes me feel close to her. Of course I can't really show it, but still. I am so screwed.

[eclipse]

She doesn't trust me, doesn't want to depend on me. She says she has an easy time getting through the day because she avoids looking at photos and even thinking about the situation. She says she's not angry, forgives, and understands, yet reminders of every little thing I've ever done wrong ooze out of her like venom, even when she's calm.

"How many chances am I supposed to give you? I've given you too many already."

Words don't matter. Actions don't matter. How can I let her know that her love and kindness all these years past didn't just disappear into nothingness? How can I let her know that I do not take her and the family she has given me for granted? How can I make her believe that I will never give in to anger or complacency? What in this world can I give of myself to deserve one final chance at the life she once tried to share with me?