I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[MCS]

So journaling...

I had a huge setback in my PMA last night. I talked to my mom and felt better, but it was just to the point that I don't know what direction to take all of this. I'm trying to follow whatever this plan may be, but I'm getting to the point that I don't even see the next step in front of me. I'm just looking for some guidance as I see that I'm detaching to the point that I'm uncomfortable that this can work out. I'm happy with myself, I'm being a good dad for my kids, my productivity at work is back. I'm actually comfortable with myself save my M. That's where my issue is, is this the precipice of 'moving on?' IDK, but I see my fellow DBers that have joined around the same time are seeing things this way also.

So better today, but feel even further detached. Went to MC (mediation) and I see that W is trying to push it back into her comfort zone of really talking about nothing. As you know, we had productive sessions the last two times, but there has been little to no follow-through on her part to show any actions that our communication is getting better.

So, I went into it very different than before because of detachment. For the first time, I didn't need to try and act detached, I already was.

This led to a really weird session. First, W looks like she's struggling. She's always been really put together, but you can see this is wearing on her. She just didn't look attractive at all, wow that's tough that just came out of my head. Anyway, its almost like when you see someone you don't know and can just see they're struggling by their face. Anyway, to summarize the long post. I don't see any progress in WAW in facing some of the decisions she's made. While she's calmer and more reasonable, I see that she's still in denial that the A had any part of the separation. I could tell it became uncomfortable for her when she couldn't get me emotionally charged about the sitch. I see that she has totally withdrawn from dealing with any of this in front of me (or herself.) It's really sad, but I can't change it. However, MCS is no longer going to shoulder her burden of her decisions when she tries to project her issues back on me. The emotional stability that I have that she has used over the years is gone in me now. I understand my role in what has happened and I no longer will accept her 'baiting' to take responsibility for her decisions while together

I saw that I was starting to talk about things that I struggled with before emotionally, but now I was stating them just as something we need to address. We talked about the kids and she asked if there were any issues, I said not really other than what they've been dealing with. She looked at me confused and asked "what do you mean?" I said, "our sitch. It's been 6 months and they are still trying to figure this out." I asked if she had any suggestions on what we should tell them. At that point, her whole demeanor changed, no eye contact, head down, etc. She said she didn't know what to say other than we are living apart. I asked her if they have asked why we can't be a family again? She then withdrew even more and didn't answer. She looked up and said, I guess we just tell them that Mom left. I said they know that and but ask me why we can't work it out? She kept looking away and said 'I don't know' I probably went a little too far and said. I don't know either, but I don't want to tell them that Dad still wants to work on it. I just don't know what to say. I think I see that she's finally starting to realize the affect on the kids.

So, then we talked about our communication. MC said that we've been doing much better and asked if we agree. W would not answer the question. He asked again and she said something like how she doesn't feel 'safe' with me. At that point, I went to say something and paused. She looked and asked what I was going to say. I paused a little longer and then said.

"W this is up to you to do if you'd like and I know its not right time now, but at some point if you're comfortable could you tell me what I did to make you feel that way" Well, then her demeanor collapsed even more. She wouldn't look at me or MC and he asked what was wrong. She said that she has felt she told me why and doesn't want to again. Then a little ray of light she said "However, I know that's how you feel and you're allowed to feel that way."I said "Okay, that's fair enough, but I want to grow out of this as I move on and don't want to make the same mistakes again."