Feeling pretty pi$$ed off. Nothing in particular triggered it. But it is increasing with time. Not exactly sure what to do with it. I don't know what good the anger does, sit it festers.
Part of that is me. I am supposed to be growing and finding myself. But I feel like I am losing myself. The best parts of me has vanished. That ticks me off! I'm fun, energetic, and funny (at least I crack myself up). But those qualities seem to be gone! I'm aggravated by that, but I don't think I have anyone to blame but myself for that part.
I'm just mad. Really mad. I know there are "outlets" but I don't think it's gonna work. How long will I feel like this? It's all inside. It's not like I'm acting like a rageing lunatic, that's all festering inside... Lucky me. I'm just more- there. Physically. Non- emotional, I suppose. What happened to me that I feel so.... Gone?
What a stinkin pity party. I don't want that. Not at all... Which is why I tend to stay to myself. It stresses me out to be around people sometimes. Partly bc I'm embarrassed of who I've become.
I want to be better, but I just don't know how. I'm even sick of the same old song. I don't want people to worry, and id rather be left alone.
Then I realize how lonely I actually am. I have always been such a people person. LAst night I realized that after work, the only people I talked to were my kids. I went to bed feeling pretty sad about that. It's like I'm waiting for life to happen. But I am conscientious that life will happen, but what happens to me is up to me! Thats a lot of pressure.
Whatever. Life is hard. I get it. I am trying to make good decisions, be a good person, have faith, and find my way. Maybe I'm not doing enough of the hard stuff. Maybe I am really missing something... Something I am avoiding?
It's like I am spinning my tires. It has been a year and a half since the initial bd, and I don't feel like I have gotten anywhere. I have done things, but, that's where my spinning tires come into play. I haven't moved.
Ok. This is just embarrassing at this point. I've really got to figure this out. What I am doing wrong.
