Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[25yearsmlc]

Complex,

As requested, I'm catching up on your thread.

So since we still live together and nothing has changed in our situation except of that a R just doesn't exist anymore I start to feel "bad" spending our money. I'm reasonable but I needed some new stuff, clothes and college things etc. She is basically paying the morgage fully. I don't make much money still. Although I started a couple new jobs/extending hours in my other job that will bring home at least a few more hundred up to a thousand dollars home a months. But she is still the bread giver.

Fyi, the term is "Breadwinner", and it's an American idiom I cannot explain.

My mom is French and I couldn't explain why "Breadwinner" made more sense than "Breadgiver", to her either. I sort of prefer your version...

I know she's the one who wants out but I think I should acknowledge that she still supports me? The whole thing makes me look "weak" and not attractive bc she's above me socially ..and will be for a long time to come. I could never compete with her income, it's just way to high and if she goes back to school it'll be ridiculously high. I know it's incredibly important to her that I am going back to school, catching up a degree here...but it's far away, at least 4-5yrs. And my income level will probably always be lower than hers.


I'm curious as to why you say this^^. What is it you do, versus what she does? Didn't you say she's a nurse? Yes they make decent livings, (I have 3 in my family) but would not describe it as "wealthy".


I'm working really hard on myself tho. She must notice.

But it is not THE reason you are working on yourself so what she notices cannot be your focus. Seriously, take your eye OFF of her. This is no way to live.

I have to become financially independent either way, but I know this is an important factor for her.


Newsflash, being financially independent IS an important factor to most of us. And women who want to be mothers someday want to know that IF they were to stay home with their babies, they could.

Right or wrong, fair or unfair, men are usually still expected to be the providers who put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. I think it's partly biological b/c until we had children, money wasn't such a factor to me. I was among the least materialistic people I knew.

But when I became pregnant, years earlier than we had "planned", I was A LOT more calm and at peace b/c I knew that h could provide.

To me it felt like he was protecting me and our unborn child, by working hard at a job that paid well. Yes it's attractive.

IF I were the breadwinner, I'd at least want to know that h could be a great stay at home dad AND OR a financial partner, making a decent contribution to the household income.




Her mom leaked that W is worried that I won't be able to support her when she's going back to school or if we would have children. Its worrying W significantly. It's one of the reasons she doesn't believe in us anymore.
I mean love isn't about money, but I understand her. And she is who she is. She's not focused on money, but she wants to be safe and have a supporting husband.


THIS^^ makes total sense to me. I'm VERY sorry if that hurts you, but it hits home to me.

I know very few women who don't find decent incomes, pretty much mandatory in a man. If that bothers my feminist friends, so be it. I still believe it to be true. I also want a man to be physically stronger than me,

and if there is a scary noise at night, I will back him up. But I don't want to be in front of my man, vis a vis an intruder.

Do you know what I'm trying to say here? Most women want a man who can provide AND protect, especially when there are children in the picture.


So should I really feel bad about spending, if I spend very reasonable (I am very reasonable with money in general)? My financial situation isn't sth I can change over night, so i can only show her I'm at least taking action right? But in her eyes it'll probably be too little too late!? Is it ok to genuinely thank her for her support?

Like Starsky said, no grand pronouncements. Just ACT and DO and follow thru.

IF the purchases are made to enhance your income (b/c they are in effect, "investments") then let her know your reasoning. And make sure they are reasonable purchases.

I would not, for example, think that buying new work out clothes is very defensible, b/c who cares how you look while you exercise? Same for anything related to surfing...

but if it's a suit & tie for a work interview, that is different.

Make sense? For GAL< are you doing enough to increase income or your income potential?

IF she has told her family that your dropping out of school and losing ambition was a factor in how she viewed you


and respect for a man is a KEY piece of love a w has for her h, then don't dismiss that.