Wife during deployment EA/PA ongoing #4

[25yearsmlc]

I love how blunt you are and i thank you for it. I am trying to figure out how to do things. I do want to let her go but at the same time there is only two options that i see in letting go.

1) is just stop worrying about her, the sitch and just work on me. tell her i cannot lift the NC and just let her make her decisions from there.

2) I can file myself and then she is free to do what she pleases with whomever she wants.

I want to do #1 because i do not want to give up but i do want to let go,

Personally, I prefer the first option b/c hey, this is "Divorce Busting" and it's rarely in the interest of saving a marriage, to end it.

OTOH, if YOU NEED to file b/c you believe its' the only way to "save yourself", then so be it. No one here would condemn that.


i guess i just worry about her holding resentment for my actions

A HUGE Part of letting go is you NOT worrying about her holding onto resentments. Most women who have affairs, feel justified in them. I know, I'm generalizing but it's based on empirical data.

SOME men can have affairs and sincerely say "meant nothing" but its a rare woman who does. And b/c she has already justified it, the resentments won't fade without TIME (and no actions on your end to increase the resentment).
In other words, you cannot control HOW SHE Feels and so you need to stop spending any energy worrying about it.

Do what you believe to be the right moral thing, and let the cards fall where they will.

regarding the NC, because i did start the process and now no one but his command has control of that sitch. I also interpreted that email as (if the NC is not lifted she is going to believe that i forced her into no other option other than her filing for D.) and i guess that is what worries me because i just dont want to be resented. i do not want to manipulate her or the sitch, i just dont want things to be come malicious.

Keep it simple, keep it clear in YOUR mind/heart and turn this over to God. Seriously. You'll go nuts and spin your wheels 24/7 if you focus on how YOU think she feels....it's no way to live.

were you able to read the draft i wrote that i was thinking of send to W.


Yes, see my earlier post.

as far as my 180's
I really don't have many because we are not really on speaking terms.

Since SHE is NOT relevant to the 180s, this^^ isn't relevant either. Sure, SOME 180s in front of the WAS are nice b/c you want to confuse their negative images of you. It's great when we can CONTRAST & undermine their negative images of us with POSITIVES....

to make their "data" about us, useless. But in the end, 180s are for us.

Again

but one for sure is, when we have had conversations I began to validate and just listen to her feelings instead of trying to express myself.

^^ That's a great listening skill to develop.

I stopped checking her emails, texts everything not sure that is a 180.

I began cleaning the entire house without anyhelp.

i always lower to toilet seat as well now that is for sure a 180!


Those ^^ all are good (on behalf of women everywhere, THANK YOU for lowering the toilet seat.)

but after that i am kinda confused because we do not live together, rarely ever speak or see one another. How am i suppose to 180 in this situation. I know i can GAL but how do you 180 in that situation?


see above comments

My short term goals are.
-completing my pre-nursing degree.
-learn how to hanglide.
-run my two miles in 1250

Great goals, (really) but "short term" goals, TO ME, means more like things you can do this month.

if you mean goals for our relationship.
- i want one conversation to end on a positive note.
- i would like to be civil to one another.
- begin to understand W's feelings and what she is going through.


Having conversations Not escalate, is a very worthy goal and it IS within your control b/c you can end the conversation if it takes a nosedive.

Say something along the lines of "let's table this discussion for when we are both calm" and or, if you feel attacked, say so.

"W, I feel attacked now. That's not productive so let's table this til we both can speak AND hear each other without attacking." But once you say that, you need to LEAVE the area (unless she apologizes. But don't wait for that).

I did read the long post about WAW beginning miss things, and i know that it will happen, i just have to do as you and Starsky said give it over to fate and GOD.

There were times I'd say (in the shower so the kids didn't think I was nuts)

"God, I turn this anger/pain (OR "Marriage") over to You."

By thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it, I felt a true calm sweep over me.

SO I began saying it before those times I expected contact from H and it soothed me enough to stay calm in those talks, which led to fewer escalations,

and in time, some more relaxed talks. We built on those (or I did) and my DB coach, (A GODSEND!!!) helped me with that.

I recall one pivotal moment when the electricity was about to be cut off b/c h stopped paying bills for the first time in our m, and omitted telling me that.

(Also that was the day wildfires were approaching our home so I had to evacuate with our 2 ds then, so the timing truly sukked).

I wanted to blast h for the irresponsible even dangerous behavior at the worst possible time. But I had a DB coaching session that day and THEN H called.

Here's what transpired...

ME: "the electricity almost got turned off today b/c the bill had not been paid. I wanted---"

H interrupts: "Well now YOU know what it's like to have to pay all those bills like I have for over 20 years!"

ME: "True, & I want to thank you for that b/c it really can be stressful."

H: (long pause): "you're welcome".

After that, something happened in the both of us. I stopped attacking, and he stopped defending.

Since my real goal (I mean, the noble goal, not the "Blast h" goal) was better communication with h,

this 'moment' was indeed transformational for me. Pivotal for us.

Not sure if that clarifies anything for you, but I thought I'd share that.

Keep on keeping on, Rys. You're a good man and in time that will show.

Good memories will resurface in your w, if you let them. Let her sit with the choices she has made and is making, without you challenging them.

Do you get that? Does it make sense to you?

Good luck.