Wife during deployment EA/PA ongoing #4

[25yearsmlc]

Rysm,

I think you handled the interaction really really well. That's great progress.

As for the letter below, definitely IN PERSON is better. The pros and cons of the written word are that you cannot be accused of saying something you did not say if it is in writing BUT yet it can more easily be misconstrued.

Saying things as CALMLY as possible, is extremely important. (I don't think we can over emphasize that...)

In person reduces the risk of something being seen as done or said in anger or sarcasm too. FOR ME, and this might just be a personal preference, I'd make the comments shorter b/c most WAS's tune us out after a few sentences.

It's as if They can't hear us... I'm a lawyer. I recall very specifically thinking, "Wow, if I were arguing my 'case' in front of the Supreme Court, I'd probably 'win', but in front of h, nothing I say matters...he cannot hear me."

Very frustrating to feel you are a "wordsmith" and yet your words are not effective with the partner you chose to spend your life with.

So the shorter, the better is my experience.

Also, the comment about "consequences of your actions" is, imo, unnecessary to say AND critical sounding. It's an obvious reality, but coming from you, will probably sound as if you are lecturing her and saying "You deserve the punishment".

Even if you believe that^^^ to be the truth, why say it? To me, it does not help your cause. And not everything we believe, needs to be said.

At one point when things were turning around for my marriage, I recall a huge negative consequence happening (financially we took a HUGE hit by h's going to Alaska). H said "this was a big mistake". I could have amplified that comment 1000 times, but why? Trust me, it was true and I'd predicted it dozens of times, which h seemed NOT to recall...

yet at that moment, I felt the most loving & healthy thing to say, was nothing.

o- i wanted to write more but i help off. thanks again.

Again, this is a matter of personal preference, but I'd make this (below) a lot shorter. What about just leaving the last part in? No need to defend yourself so much.

Sadly, I think she will tune you out a short way into the "speech" and NOT hear most of what you say, if it's more than a few sentences.


W I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done is because I believe them to be right. I have continued to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. I have realized that this situation is no longer working for me and my wellbeing,
I can no longer continue to put myself through this, and I am ready to let go so I can better myself and receive what I deserve in this life. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you or your actions. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both have already made; the truth about the NC is that; it is in fact legally, out of my hands. The NC was never my request, OM’s Command made that decision. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.

Maybe add something optimistic about your future...

(the next comment is just an example, see what Starsky and others think)

"I look forward to finding what I want/need in life & hope the same for you."

As for your 180s, they are NOT all related to your w. In fact, the 180s are things YOU want to work on in yourself regardless of what SHE does/says or thinks.


IF YOU believe you need to, for instance, be more punctual, you set a goal of "arriving early for the next 5 appointments", and then follow thru.

This is for your own personal development, as you become the man you wish to become.

Make sense?