Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[Sotto]

Hi VDubber

I think that sounds like a good idea, if you feel you have some feelings you would like to 'release.' I've written a few emails and letters to H, which haven't been sent - particularly if I have been feeling angry. It can be quite cathartic to get stuff out of your brain and onto paper without filtering it too much - just letting it all pour out.

Then, you could always keep the letter for a bit or throw it away, or just burn it and let the ash pieces just blow away..

[vdubber]

Thanks for the confirmation Toots. I believe I read this in DR also. Yes I actually have typed up a couple emails and jot sent them but seems safer to put together a long letter just unloading my feelings so I can somehow feel I finally shared them and then save the letter but definitely not send it. I hope it will help me get past some of the hurt and frustration II feeling as I honestly think we did not try together to resolve things when they started going bad. I realize that I just need to accept that there are any things I will never know. Anyway...just need to take steps forward and hopefully the backsliding will continue to lessen with time.

[sandi2]

Maybe you need to file it away so you don't accidentally click on the send button.

[vdubber]

Thanks Sandi. Yes no more typing up emails or texts for fear of hitting send. I will be writing a letter this week and will save i and not send it to her. I just need to get some things out as part of my healing process.

On a brighter note I have my little ones tonight. Picked them up from daycare and my D7 gave me the biggest hug and a couple smiles tonight that just melt my heart. S9 is a bit too cool but gave me a hug and told me he loves me and missed me.

It is a bit depressing to me that they seem so used to this back and forth process...although last visit D7 did cry and tell me she wished we all lived together. I guess I should be happy they seem adjusted, at the same time it is sad as it shows how long it's been and feels like it may always be.

I spent quite some time tonight reading all the recent posts in others threads. I am somewhat obsessed with understanding others stories, the phase they are in, and the advice they are given. Some of it I know doesn't apply to my situation based on the length of time we've been apart and our lack of communication except for kid related topics. Others I see similarities and some are encouraging to me while others make me feel she may be too far
gone to ever want a R with me again. She's not wishy washy and she's stubborn. When she decides something she doesn't usually change her mind which leaves me feeling quite hopeless sometimes. I keep hearing miracles can happen so I hold onto that...plus I'm just not ready to give up my dream of a life together.

[vdubber]

So W text me this morning "GMorning". I wait 20 minutes and text back "Morning". She texts back that she doesn't know what tax information I need. I respond I need her W2 from work and the mortgage interest statement for the house she lives in. She says ok. She then says she would like to meet me for coffee thithis weekend if I can.

Again, I am nervous about meeting with her as she is clearly with OM now and will probably push me for D. I have no interest in being her friend while she is in another relationship and I've made this clear to her previously.

So the big question...do I agree to meet with her? I know this is my decision but I'm not ready to talk D with her if that is her desire.

And I really focused and prayed today to not think about her....30 minutes later she texts me. I must be cursed.

[vdubber]

She texted again to remind me that Friday was her brothers bday and also the day she was having surgery to remove a skin cancer on her nose. I was very aware of both of these and had already planned on sending her brother bday wishes as well as was contemplating sending her a message to wish her well on her surgery...was debating that last one but truth is I knew when her surgery was and have always offered her support and encouragement and still feel a tempered down message would be appropriate although the 180 would be for me to say nothing at all.

I guess it's a fine line between appearing to not wanting her to think I'm a channel for her emotional support and me coming off as very cold since I know she is having surgery and is nervous about it.

Advice on whether I should send her well wishes Friday and if I should agree to meet with her for coffee this weekend? My instincts (which may be way off) tell me a quick non emotional message Friday is fine but if I'm not prepared to talk D with her i should not agree to meet for coffee....thoughts?

The old me wants very much to see her and fantasizes that she will enjoy seeing me, think I look handsome (after all I have trimmed up my beard and look pretty damn good), and start questioning her choices she's made.

The realist tells myself to STFU and stop dreaming about what is not mine to control...decisions decisions...

[rd500]

Hi Vdubber, just my pennies worth, of course send her well wishes, the womans having skin cancer removed ! Obviously I don't know what size or depth of the mole ? but I had a few removed years back off my face and I still bear some scars and it's not nice. Also once it's removed she will be waiting on hte results.

Also if you do decide to meet up, all the better you look good / better and , again , just my thoughts but unless she is a very cold hearted lady she will always question her choices, we all do. My W is also very determined and stubborn but she has surprised me with some of the things she says and has obviously been thinking about.

take care, Rd

[sandi2]

I would text her back and say you will meet her for coffee. You can't continue to avoid this, and all you have to do is sit and listen.

Then, I would tell her you hope all goes well for her Friday. That's all.

[vdubber]

Thanks RD and Sandi. I sent her a message saying I was aware and hope all goes well on Friday. Her response "ok gee thanks "....I take this as she thinks I am being cold and it wasn't the emotional support she was expecting fromm me as I normally would have been very heartfelt in my support to her.

[vdubber]

I swear hearing from her stresses me out. She knows how to push my buttons and now has me thinking I should have been kinder in my response to her. I do care, I who worry about her and the surgery, I do wish I could comfort her....but at the same time I know I cannot be there emotionally for her or i will feel I am enabling her relationship with OM and being her friend which I cannot be unless she drops OM and wants to talk about us.

Am I wrong here? Why do I now feel so guilty?