Mozza, you may well be right & my suggestions may be a little off beam. I guess I was thinking 'do what works' and feeling that Jim's current approach may not be working, given his W's ongoing coolness. But maybe time and the safety of non-pursuit are simply what is needed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
In the 12 steps, there are steps of atonement. Atonement takes a great deal of time and patience.
Above all Jim, atonement means letting go of the past, atonement can only be made to gain peace. Actually it does not matter that W is unaccepting. This is for you.
Jim, you can choose to release, you can choose to let go of this pain?
Jim, you make no excuses, abuse is abuse, lack of support, judgement, lack of care are unacceptable to Jim, only Jim can know the reasons for it and stop.
You appear to see yourself as having had these faults and want to hang on to judging yourself for this.
I am probably going to say something which seems very cruel and hard but I say this with all the best intent.
Jim, you seem to want to feel this way as it 'were your 'self punishment' for those sins and it can feel right to hang on to this. Hanging on to it as if this were atonement. It is the antithesis of atonement.
Judging yourself, blaming yourself, and harming your own recovery is as damaging to you and the potential recovery of Jim as is the behaviour that went before it.
Hanging on to this judgement is preventing you from recovery and change. It keeps Jim stuck, it also stops Jim from DB. It serves to keep Jim where he is, looping.
Jim you can choose to forgive Jim. Please do this for the sake of your children then you can atone to W.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/24/1512:16 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks all for the input and the suggestions. Its always good to get different comments and viewpoints that make me think.
I can empathise with my STBXW's interpretation of how I treated her even if i dont fully agree and know rationally that it is only half of the story (but want to avoid any kind of scorecard here). It is how she felt and there was sufficient for her to feel that way and i do not wish to try and give myself excuses.
In fact i would say i fear that i am still giving myself excuses or that there is something that i'm just not understanding. And i think its this fear that i think keeps me looping and analysing and feeling guilty.
I'm taking steps to improve myself and give myself more tools so that nothing like it happens again and this is important for my future. Because this is untested, it leaves me unsure and that contributes to the fear.
V, your spot on. I do want to find a way to atone but i'm not sure how. I have apologised but i havent atoned.
I think this is part of what gives me the urge to make some kind of gesture with regard to her Dad, as though doing something considerate and decent would at least partially begin to atone.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I don't think it's a problem if you want to make a small gesture to your W on the anniversary of her Dad's death. Were you thinking of a card? If so, you have the challenge of a suitable message..a little pot of snowdrops or narcissi might be nice? And no need for a message - you could just say you wanted to give her a little something, to let her know you were thinking of her as you know this isn't the easiest time for her.
If you do decide to do something - make it purely for you and by way of atonement - and accept ahead of doing it that your W's reaction may range from appalled to ecstatic. And all of those reactions are fine. You are just doing what feels like the right thing.
If you are anxious about doing something purely from you, you could make it something from you and the kids - we wanted to give you a little something from us...which may feel 'safer' for you. Good luck with whatever you decide anyway Jim...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Actually its easy because the honest answer is both.
I wish to atone but I'm also seeking forgiveness (not been forthcoming to date). To an extent the two are linked - I'll know I've atoned when I've been forgiven if that makes sense.
Either way its selfish because my incentive is to try and purge my sense of guilt over this. (And other things)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
V's idea of a donation is also nice. We planted a tree in memory of one of H's relatives and received a little certificate, which we sent to his widow. The forest in question was in an area that this guy used to love, so there was a nice link there too..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've got an IC appt tomorrow and I think there is a few things I want to bring up there around all of this.
The kids are all tucked up in bed. We had a fairly unspectacular day but thats fine. I couldn't really say what we did or where the time went but whatever we did I'm shattered now
After tonight I don't have them for over a week (schedule adjustment for a work commitment) which isn't ideal but is one of those things.
Had a brief text exchange with STBXW last night just confirming the schedule changes (initiated by her). All very functional and tone was hard to interpret. We agreed all this ages ago and confirmed it a couple of weeks ago, so I did get curious (only in my head) as to what made her think of it when its not until next Tuesday - my immediate thoughts went to her making plans with OM which still bothers me more than it should.
Anyways chores to do, so on with those
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
