From what she's told me, OM made her feel beautiful and appreciated during a time when i was wrapped up in my own issues, and she felt dirty from how my parents had treated her. He also made her laugh when things felt so serious and heavy at home. He validated her as a woman during a time that she felt taken for granted.
I identify with what Train said about her H and what your W has said. The A is all about the good feelings. And the fantasy is built on the AP's ability to continue in making you feel special, sexy, smart, beautiful, etc. B/c of this, I believe the WAS has to be hit with enough reality, as the main result of the infidelity, to start a process that takes away from the A.
My OM was good! I think, now, he probably was very experienced laying the sweet talk on pretty thick. And whereas I had never been swayed by any flirty talk like this in the past, I found myself in a really bad place in my life. I was vulnerable and he said all the right things. He gave me ego shots that felt fantastic. It didn't matter if I took it seriously.........it made me feel great at the time. So great, that I continued to go back for more. Makes me sick, now.
Train is right about working it in slowly. I don't know about men, but I think a WW will hear the same words from the H and it turns her off. He sounds fake. He has motives, etc., (which AP certainly did.....but that was different, right?) Until she gets OM out of her system, the H could easily see this as a no-win situation for him. My H has always been very complimentary, but it just did not have the same effect as when it came from a stranger. That's so sad! It sounds sick, and I guess it is. In the beginning of the A, everything is new and fresh. I think there other psychological effects at work. For me, I didn't set out for an A, it was an escape from my painful reality. But a few moments of escape into a fantasy, turned into a nightmare for my M.
I believe you are on the right track with keeping things light & as humorous as possible. And give the heavy stuff a rest. The MR has taken a terrible hit and has to take a break from the grief sometimes. That's hard to do when she's depressed. You just have to keep at it, and keep it balanced.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
