Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[susana4]

Second, I've been thinking about your questions Zelda on clingy vs. cold, and smothering and mothering.

Not sure I'm finished pondering yet, but some initial thoughts.

I'm not sure I even realise when I'm being clingy or smothering, which is quite scary to me. Like with the salad thing, and some other things, I had no idea. Is there a list somewhere of smothering behaviours? :P

One thought I had is that before I met H I was *very* independent. I lived on my own (no flatmates), I had moved to another continent at age 20, I was happy travelling on my own, going for dinner on my own, going to the cinema on my own. Then I started seeing H. Of course I can link it all back to my childhood I suppose...where I never saw a model of a healthy relationship. And was exposed to either a lot of smothering and control (or coldness).

OTOH, the anxiety and fear plays into it, too. As my life felt like it was spinning more and more out of control in the last 6 months or so pre-BD, I think I was subconsciously reaching out for something - anything - I could control, and my M was right there within grasp. Of course, I couldn't actually control it, just thought I could... But, H played into the dynamic, too. With his people pleasing, he'd try and guess what I wanted, and do it, and then beat himself up if he guessed wrong.

But in some ways I think me being warm and interested in him lately has probably been a bit of a 180, because pre BD I had sunk so much into depression and anxiety I was (again without even realising it) focused completely on my pain, and how to get out of it, and not him.

Okay, I think I've just confused myself here. There's a lot of dynamics at play!

Devils advocate against the flood above - what you were doing is working to an extent. Think of where you were a month ago. Don't forget that! But I think you were in a stronger place before you rattled yourself. You made the most of opportunities you had with him and left him alone otherwise (I believe)?
Right. I definitely rattled myself... I have always second guessed myself too much. So sometimes I think what I'm doing is working, and then other times i go, is it really?

I think it's all a matter of balance. My DB coach told me to keep asking H to activities because "do what works" - but on the other hand, not too much at once. Perhaps I rattled myself because I was like 'wait a second, what I'm doing seems to be working - now more, more, more, pile it on'. Again, I don't even think it was a conscious decision. But that's when it gets smothering...

Hmm, ok, not sure whether I should consider what it was like when we very first started dating, or in the happy spots of our M? (I think the latter is what it says in DR)

At any rate, when we were first dating - we laughed a lot, had fun together, it was very lighthearted, we did a LOT of activities together, tried new things. I think in a lot of ways we were very childlike (not in a bad way, just in terms of how we interacted), we teased each other a lot. We were very nice to each other, I remember he used to make me coffee and breakfast in bed every morning (AoS!) and he'd come round my house and do all my laundry (which I found weird, but only recently see was AoS). But maybe the laundry was a bit further into the R, can't remember the timeline exactly. I think I did probably make him work for it, he did the coffee and breakfast thing but I didn't cook for him for quite awhile.