My story

[EyeTie]

Hello all, I just finished reading Divorce Busting for the 3rd time and could use some help. Here is my story.

My wife and I were best friends for 2 years before we even started dating. After dating for 3 years we got married and were married for 7 years. My wife has asked me for a divorce several times over our marriage, we did marriage counseling twice, the first time was a joke (I didn't want to be there) the second time we both wanted to save the marriage and it worked. We married young and had typical problems, I wasn't faithful and she caught me cheating on her at one point. After attending some intense counseling (along with marriage counseling) I changed my life. I quit hanging out with people who were not positive role models in my life. I cut back on my drinking. I stopped talking to other girls and essentially re-dedicated myself to our family.

My wife was always a homebody and 8 months ago she started going out with some friends every Friday night. At first I was excited that she was going to go out and have fun, but it quickly became an issue, when it became every Friday night. We could be out at a family get together, but the minute she got the text, she was gone.

Then last fall, she planned a surprise vacation for us. She took care of every detail and off we went. It was awkward, since we went from spending barely any time together to 5 days straight. At one point she said to me during dinner "Let's not talk about the kids, home repair projects or the dogs" and we quickly realized we had very little to talk about.

We got back from vacation and a month later had a big blow up fight. That was when she said she wanted a divorce. We agreed to take the month of December to think about it and work on things. I didn't want Christmas to be ruined for our kids (6 year old boy, 3 year old girl). I became the best husband I could for that month. I sent flowers, spent time together, planned date nights, talked to her about everything and thought this would be a bump in the road. Sadly I was wrong.

The day before New Years Eve she said she still wanted a divorce. That she was happy with my progress, but didn't think it would last. I was devastated. I did everything wrong. I followed her around the house, I cried to her, I begged, I sent flowers and gifts. All it did was turn her off more.

On January 2nd I had a doctor appointment. I have acid reflux disease and thought I was having a flare up. I quickly found out that it was much worse than that. They found cancer cells in my GI tract and large intestines, luckily there were no tumors or masses. I opted for a clinical study, where I would go in once a week to receive an injection into the infected areas. Also, I was assigned a crisis counselor who I would see 2-3 times a week. When I came home that day I was a wreck. Before I could say anything to my wife about it, she looked at me and said "I can't deal with you right now, I am going out of town" and went up to visit some of our friends a few hours away.

Over that weekend, I decided not to tell her anything about my health. When she returned I moved into the spare bedroom, sick, alone and lost. For the next few weeks I continued treatments, lost weight, barely ate and was doing my best to "win" her back. We all know how that works. In mid-January I found out she had been having an EA with some random guy she met right after our vacation. When confronted she screamed and said "It doesn't matter, we are getting divorced! And I am going to start dating!" and stormed away. She claims that nothing physical happened, but who knows. It crushed me more. A few days later, I ran into my oncologist at a friends house, we hit it off and she helped me see that the world isn't ending.

My wife refused to do MC again, saying it was over and that we were beating a dead horse. At this point I found out about the 180 and started putting it into place. My wife instantly noticed and started getting angry with me. I stopped pursuing, I stopped begging, if a fight was about to happen, I would walk away. I quit texting/emailing her as well unless it had to do with the kids. We still went to church together and spent some time together, but for the most part I became distant/detached.

Then one day she agreed to go to a divorce discernment class, I was elated. My prayers had been answered. We went out to dinner first, had a great time then went to meet the counselor. As soon as we got there, my wife clammed up. She got rude with the counselor and we left. In the car ride home she started crying, I told her we could put a stop to this, that we can fix this. She kept saying "it's too late, we can't". I asked her how she would feel if I started dating, she didn't answer, so I told her that I had met someone as well. This sent her into an tizzy and she started crying/yelling even more. When we went to pick up the kids from my parents, she ran out of my car and into their house. I made a phone call and walked in a few minutes later. She then proceeded to run up to me, in front of my parents, leap in my arms and kiss me. I thought things were ok, I thought she was changing her mind. I was wrong.

In early February, she found a new place and signed a lease. Her move in date was Feb 14th, yes Valentines Day...I know. When she told me that, I kind of shut down. I quit going to my crisis counselor after I had a blow up with him. He attempted to contact me several times, but I ignored him. So he did the only thing he could think of. He contacted my wife on February 8th, stating he was worried about me, that my lab results were looking great and that my oncologist was very pleased with things. I was standing right next to her when she got that information. All she could do was stare at me, jaw agape as I looked on confused. When she confronted me, I had a break down. I told her that I didn't want her to know. That I didn't think she would care. She said had I told her, she would have stayed. I said she would have stayed for the wrong reasons. We spent the rest of the day quietly together. Holding hands, cuddled on the couch with our kids. I told her that we can fix things, that we can move forward as long as we resist the urge to look in the past. That we would be that much stronger of a couple, sometimes she nodded other times she stared off into space.

The following Saturday, she moved out while I was at work. We have talked several times, and spent a little bit of time together. A few days after she moved out she came over for dinner, we had a huge fight and she left. We didn't talk for a few days afterwards. Then last Sunday she came over and hung out for a good chunk of the day, we talked later that night and she was sweet on the phone. She invited me over yesterday to pickup the kids and offered me dinner. I picked them up, hung out for a few minutes and left (I have a hard time eating after 2pm) since she was being "cold" to me. For instance, I asked to sit on the couch by her (she has one couch, her and kids were on it) she said "Yes, go ahead, just don't get weird". I sat down next to her, felt the tension coming off of her and quickly got up to play with her dog. The kids and I left about 5 minutes after that.

I have been living a rollercoaster with her for the last 3 months. She claims this divorce is what she wants, that it will make her happy. But these are phrases coming out of her mouth.

"Let's talk about a family vacation this spring...But I want a divorce".

"Let's talk about selling our house and buying a new one...But I want a divorce".

"I love you so much...But I want a divorce."

I know she is depressed, she was on Zoloft years ago and quit taking it when we had my daughter. I have asked her to get back on it or at least talk to someone, she refuses.

I just don't know what to do to make this work. I want her back, but how can I do it now that she is gone? I am still sticking the the 180, but it's harder when we are doing the 2-2-3 custody thing with the kids and I have to see her every day. I am just at a loss...