Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[susana4]

Hi Complex,
I've been following the last few days but didn't have anything useful to add but I wanted to chime in on the money thing, in case another perspective helps.

Thought I'd offer you another female perspective, but one who's pretty financially independent. Prior to my marriage I lived on my own and am used to taking care of all my own finances. I make about the same as H, which I'm happy with. I would not be averse to offering financial support for a limited period of time, say if H were between jobs. Likewise, I wouldn't mind if H did the same for me. But I wouldn't be comfortable long term if H were supporting me, nor would I be happy to continue to support him.

I think I would start to get very resentful if I had to financially support him in the long term. I don't think it's a matter of wanting a man to support me, and I don't plan on having children either so that wouldn't play into the equation - but it would be a matter of me resenting him being dependent on me. Does that make sense?

I would probably be thinking along the lines of "who is this man that can't support himself?" I think it would make him appear less of an adult in my eyes, less someone I could respect. In the same way so many of us here got into trouble because we became emotionally dependent in our marriages. It's not good to be dependent on someone else in any sense.

I don't know your W so I don't know what's going through her head. But I think in her shoes I would be thinking, not "why doesn't he earn as much/more than me"
but rather - "omg, he does NOT earn enough to support himself let alone both of us. What if I get ill or have an accident and need to stop working for awhile? What would we do? He doesn't earn enough money! Everything is on me!" (and that's a lot of pressure)

I think you need to get yourself into a position where you can support yourself, whatever happens, like Toots says. I wouldn't think of it as a competition to earn more than her, but you do need to earn enough to support YOU. How can you up your income?

About the talk - try and stay as calm as possible, and go in knowing that she may ask for S. Hopefully some vets will chime in here with advice.

Good luck!