Hi 25, Thanks again - it helps to read the view of someone outside of my sitch!
On your comments; No, sending a text is not loving - but then he doesn't want to come across that way - he wants to show that he cares but wants to be sure that I know that he doesn't love me. I know it's mind reading but the only way he can carry on with OW's etc. is by convincing himself that he doesn't love me. So, the surprise to me is getting any acknowledgment of our anniversary from him at all.
Yes, you are absolutely right - I have to be a LOT LESS available to him. However, we are involved in a joint project workwise and we are working towards a resolution to our financial crisis - both of these require that I am in contact with him. I have stated than when both of these issues are addressed I will not be in contact with him - but it may take some time. What I have been trying to do is to minimise my availability outside of these issues and to keep our conversations about the issues at hand only.
At this stage he is not interested in wining me back at all - he seems to just want us to get on, as friends.
If we divorce (which is a long drawn out process here - min. 4 years) I wouldn't lose much at this point - we don't have much!! He is earning good money and sends me as much as he thinks he should - it is enough but it is definitely not as much as he can. He looks after himself first, financially - he buys what he wants when he wants - he looks after his own needs, always has enough money to do whatever he wants - he will not tell me what he earns. On the other hand he never queries what I spend money on and doesn't begrudge me anything. He also sends money for construction work on 'our' home - he keeps calling it 'our' home, 'our' garden etc. I can't imagine that he would ever stop supporting us financially - it is important to him - way back, his original OW told him to throw money at the problem (the problem being his wife and kids) - this was when he expressed concern about us not having a man around to help and protect us (3 women on their own).
What do I gain by keeping it to myself, well not much really - a quiet life I suppose - conflict avoidance - peace. I can talk to him about the issues we have to deal with without animosity from him, I get to plan things here and perhaps to prepare better, emotionally, for when I do tell him all I know. I want to tell him without breaking down in tears, without anger. I want to process my pain.
But, I don't feel I am being honest, and I have a problem with that, I am sad that he is lying and lying and pretending and wearing a mask - am I just as bad? He is depressed, would it push him too far to tell him what I know?
