Plain Vanilla #9

[Vanilla]

Edz, RD, Toots, z, Jim

I have been thinking a great deal about your questions and last night I was challenged by almost exactly the same questions by my Gamanon group.

Has H always been like this or is this recent or is it just for effect or an alcoholic reaction?

I really do not know. Actually does that matter? Any way you cut it, it is unacceptable to V. Not that H hols those views (if he does), H can have whatever views he likes, including thinking the queen is an alien. It is that with those views H might be creating damage that is the problem. There could be damage if I let it do so. My choice. But even then do I understand why? And does that matter. It is his job to hold himself to account.

One of the Gamanon members said to me V I would feel abused, very abused by this if this were my H. But V you do not appear to be abused by it. You say that a boundary has been breached but you yet are not abused? How do you do that?

At that moment I had a revelation, a light bulb moment. All of the DB I have been doing, the 12 steps had truly helped me. No one can make you feel anything, we own our own feelings. Yes, I have told myself that many times, so the light bulb moment was in knowing that I believed it beyond just the words. It is part of my new belief system. It is new, fresh and only recent. We can tell ourselves but it is not until we truly believe it that we change. duh!

The trite saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" and "no one can put you down without your consent" that now means something. It is no longer trite. We can have little effect on the another having the use of words to create effect, but to reframe that can prevent those words from abusing us. We can strip the words of the ugly poison meaning by stopping them from reaching us like arrows with poison. I can chose also to believe the opposite that when we are praised and loved we can consent to accept that as valid. We have the choice.

In future I shall think of H spew words as poison arrows that I must protect myself from. I am thinking through how to do this. I need protection from this I need a shield like that from the Hobbit. A shield made of Perspex wihich I can see through so my world is focused and clear. I need my Perspex shield which allows me to project love from my higher power.

So I think my answer must be, I really have no clue what is happening with H and my higher power sees purpose somewhere. My Perspex shield will allow me to channel that higher power and the love within it whilst protecting me from the spew cast off.

With my fellow caring and loving DB hobbit warriors I am feeling like I am no longer alone.

It is with great respect and love I would like to say thank you. I am crying with gratitude.

V

[Sotto]

V, what you say reminds me of what a good friend of mine did when she was feeling stressed. She put herself in her 'bubble.' In her bubble, there was only good air and kind feelings - and whilst she interacted with others - only good things made it into her little bubble...

Your perspex shield made me think of that.

In respect of your H, and if he repeats similar stuff. You could always enforce your boundary even more strongly if you wanted. You could say 'H, I find what you're saying offensive and I don't want to hear this - get up and leave the room.'

[Vanilla]

I like this Toots.

Except a shield feels better most of the time than a bubble to me, but in severe cases I can use a bubble if I need to.

I am going to change the last part to "I choose to leave".

So this becomes " this discussion is uncomfortable for V and I prefer positive feelings so I choose to leave now"

Then I will sashay from the room with my shield protecting me.

V

[SunnyB]

V, it's true that no one can make you feel anything. But I worry about you, dear. All that protecting you are doing -- please be careful you aren't just shutting down all together. We should be able to have feelings, and express them to those we love and feel safe in doing so. If we have to constantly control our feelings, well, maybe we are hanging out with the wrong people. I think the main problem in my M was that neither H nor I ever really got the hang of expressing our feelings, hopes and dreams to each other (although he maintains it's about my (former) weight and my (formerly) messy closet). Next time around, I want someone to whom I can speak freely, and tell him what I think and feel without fear of retribution. Part of that is being able to tell him when his words have hurt me, because that person is going to love me enough to care that he hurt me. Don't you want that, V?

[Vanilla]

RPP

I do understand what you are saying, I am only protecting myself from H (I think so) which is why I need a Perspex shield rather than a bubble. The shield is there whenever H starts his spew.

I would adore to be in an R where there is openess, but with this H, in this M at this point in time then I am where I am.

V must be 100% all the time according to H standards (according to H standards manual upgraded and conditions revised at any time without prior notice).

V lives V life by V standards and with love in her heart. I will keep this with me at all times and remind myself that I am love. My hopes, dreams and life are my own to share.

V

[edz]

(((Vanilla)))

Keep going, keep being you and true to yourself and, when you can, get a BFT

Edz

[Vanilla]

Edz

I would really love a BFT puss or woof and will leave this until house is sold and then a BFT will find me no doubt.

V

[edz]

I gift you virtual semi ownership in my BFT in the meantime. She would give you a purr and a virtual ear scritch but is presently upside down asleep with a paw over her face on my *argh* freshly changed bedsheets, grrrr

[Vanilla]

I gift you rights over left over fish and beef

V

[edz]

I do believe there was a small stirring from the duvet, could have been appreciation...of course with BFT it could also be wind

Thanks V