Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Super GAL from Friday to Monday night. Spent many hours loading up all that was left at the old house into trailers. Friday night went out with one friend for dinner then met my parents down at the VFW for a couple of beers. My dad found a book on the 199th Light Infantry Brigade that he was in so I ordered it and am excited to read it. Saturday I went out with another friend who is a single dad for some dinner.

The W had ski class on Saturday so when she came to the house on Sunday she was upset and overwhelmed at the amount of work left. She was passed. I told her, yeah this is overwhelming isn't it. She then spewed in stress about me not asking for help, etc, but I just let it roll off my back. We knocked out most of it that day.

Sunday night she cooked a steak dinner and we cuddled with the kids on the couch. Later we were talking and the talk migrated back to R talks.

She said she is excited to see me function on my own. She wants to watch me do the bills, etc because she always did those types of things and felt taken advantage of.

She wants to see what the house will be decorated like because she said I was good at shooting down her ideas.

She said she knows I won't fail, because I don't fail. She said I am a good supervisor and said that is how she felt I treated her in the M, like her supervisor.

She said that the M was okay or decent but she doesn't want to settle for okay or decent, she wants more. She felt she sees a lot of mediocre marriages and didn't want to have a long term marriage like that.

She said I was doing the same thing I have in the past with buying the house. I am getting something that is almost at the edge of what I can afford. I sold three vehicles for down payment money for the house and she said I am ridiculous because I could've had a lesser house and kept the vehicles. I don't share her opinion because I wanted to be rid of them because I lost my passion for working on them. I needed a life change and they were mentally and physically burdensome.

She talked about her feelings for me and how she is still open to the idea of dating me. She does still care about me but is still upset about our R. She didn't like the way I treated her. She felt controlled and belittled but knows it was not on purpose. She said if she felt it was on purpose she would have left long before. She is also upset that she let me treat her that way and that she didn't voice her feelings or opinions more. She said she is not a hateful person and she wants to get over her anger.

We talked about the bad timing of selling the house and trying to move forward during a time when we were not ready. We talked about how we were better living apart.

She also talked about feeling that I wasn't present in understanding and appreciating all she did for us and the kids and the house. Things like if she didn't buy the kids clothes that I would not have noticed and that she paid for Xmas all on her own and I didn't ask or notice. Not quite the truth but definitely how she felt and views the past. She has previously said we started as equals in the M but when we grew she did more and I didn't.

Monday I took the day off and did the rest of the house stuff. The XW (I need to get used to this) spent the day with me and we team worked the rest of it. She went to work and I got the kids.

I ended the day in a super good mood. She came home and I was dancing to music and the kids were happy. I was listening to the Black Keys, who we saw in November and had a great time. I had thawed some Spanish style Chorizo that I made and we had it for dinner. She loves them and remind her of her family's home in Spain, but has admitted she likes mine better.

She offered to make a burrata, fruit, basil and honey dessert when she was done with homework.

She was teasing me that my rent fee was half of my chorizo and pancetta and bacon, and that she is entitled to my future production too. I just smiled and laughed.

She had to finish homework and was stressed so I just relaxed and danced around enjoying my wine and the kids. Put them to bed and then took a shower. I made sure to scrub up well and smell great when I got out.

I then just laid down on the couch and read. She made the dessert and I poured some wine and we chatted while on the couch. She looked a little wore out and stressed but I remained light and breezy. When I left the room she quickly drank the last of her wine and told me she was going to bed. She did this in a hurry which was unusual for her, like she wanted to get away quickly. My mind reading would be that she may have been upset by my upbeat and happy mood when she was feeling stress.