Funny you should bring up NMMNG, Vanilla. I keep seeing it mentioned and the descriptions ring true to me for myself. I guess the G could stand for "girl"...
Mozza, Vanilla, rppfl - I do think there is some truth that I am telling my side of the story to my friends, and therefore of course they take my side and tell me he is an ass. I would expect that. I guess I am just surprised at the level of disgust they display. I can see them saying "oh poor you, what a jerk" but I am surprised when they say "wow, he is a huge loser and didn't deserve you in the first place".
Anyway, something odd happened. I saw WAH and we had a very nice time together.
I hadn't seen him or really communicated with him in 2 months. I would get text messages every once in a while but I mostly avoided him - blocked him on social media, was short with my replies, avoided events where I might see him.
We had some last financial issues we needed to handle eventually, and it was weighing on me. I was stressed about how to handle it and for the past few months have not wanted to communicate with him at all. I have felt quite angry. These issues were not as important to him so I guessed he would never bring them up.
A few weeks ago I did some soul searching to decide what I wanted to do about these financials. In a nutshell, I had the choice to cut the ties or continue to be connected to him. My instinct born from fear and anger was to cut the ties, even though it would not be as beneficial to me as continuing the connection. As I looked deep inside myself I realized that it is more important to me to do what is most beneficial to me rather than cutting ties just because I am hurt and angry. So I decided to have a talk with him.
I asked him to meet for dinner and he happily agreed. When he arrived we immediately started joking around, laughing and smiling. Different. We chatted for a while about life in general. I felt happy around him and noticed he looked handsome. That's different.
Eventually we got to the topic. I had decided instead of telling him what I want I would ask for his thoughts. He said that he would like to continue to be connected financially and would be happy to put in the time and effort to maintain the investments together. This would mean regular discussions and agreements and he seemed excited about that. I must say I expected he would take that route as he has tried to stay connected all along.
What did surprise me was how much I enjoyed being around him, talking with him and joking with him. Pretty much since BD I have been so angry and hateful I have been tense every time we met or spoke. This time I was still wary when he mentioned something that reminded me of his multiple OWs but otherwise it was nice.
You'd think I'd be happy that our meeting went well but instead it left me feeling a bit sad and worried. I have done well telling myself I am better without him, I have taken charge of myself and my life on my own. But having a pleasant time with him made me a bit sad for what we have lost and made me see him as human instead of just the evil guy who stomped on my heart.
I'm scared that continued connection with him will be painful, that I will find out more about his dating life that will upset me, that I will be reminded of his rejection again.
And I am also left wondering how he experienced our meeting. He seemed to have a nice time but is that it? Does he truly just see me as a friend now? Indeed it does seem so from his body language. Of course mine does too I am sure.
Anyway friends, thank you for reading my continuing saga. I hope you are all well.
