mlc rut

[pbetra]

Almost a year:
After the big party last year about this time 2014, I was 'BD-ed' March 6th - it's almost a year ...

Well, the (now annual) 'big reunion of sorts' took place. This year there were some new 'fun' players. The 'big reunion' could not be compromised or missed! h even got an additional buddy! They stayed out until sunrise bar hopping, looking for women, hitting the credit card etc, ... all the old behaviours.
It WAS (!) deja vu all over again !! Couldn't believe it - so 'eerie' really

Anyway to update:
We had a conversation. To say that I was put down was an understatement. It was 'rough,' but I knew why - the 'big reunion' was coming up & h needed 'permission' to do what he really wanted (btw - up to that point we we intimate on/off). Anyway h has been repeatedly mentioning a certain type/race of woman as being the 'ideal' for men. I would use 'Coy but Cougar Race' as a bogus race for purposes of illustration here. The point is, he had been talkng about these women as being great for men over & over & over again etc. My shortcomings as a wife were evident on ALL LAYERS. I didn't stand a chance! How they "would do anything" submit I guess (among any mother wonderful attributes - they seemed perfect) ... Well I am NOT that race, can't change my race ( which is the race that he seems to be currently taken up with). So it went on my shortcomings & all the mistakes I made. I felt insulted, disrespected. That conversation did it for me ... & him!

I did not db as well as I should have in that I showed my feelings (discontent) & verbally responded although NOT a lot. h withdrew, got 'cold stone angry' & eventually walked away. Although I held my ground (db/180), my immediate thoughts were about how I messed up and I was afraid 4 the rest of the day. I thought I had 'undone' so much progress ...

Later that day, in spite of my feeling self conscious re messing up w/db, I felt angry w/h. Just happened. h heard me in kitchen as I do have a 'patient' to look after & he came out for something. He did not say anything or look at me - again 'stone cold anger'. This happens when he 'can't even stand to look' at me! I simply decided to stay away as much as possible. Frankly, I didn't want to see him either. For that day & the next, he had nothing to say to me.

I went 2 a meditation class that I sometimes attend. I msg h that I was out, & a little later re child, c. This is usually the courtesy we extend/ the protocol - & his preferred way of communicating when there is tension or he needs space. This time he did not reply. It didn't matter, I had done what we do as usual. That night, I got invited out & went. Again, I msg 'out' - this time a response! (i guess it was curiousity, as I do not go out at night as much, often day). The next day I went out. A friend knew about the tension & extended invitation to me. When I got home, he was in front where he could see me returning (& with whom if app. etc). He was chatting w/someone. He was clearly curious & started to small talk - including me in the conversation with his friend.

The small talk continued over the next 2 days as things returned to 'normal' (as normal as can be expected). It's funny but I remained angry, 'aloof' even though pleasant - this I could not control. The pleasantries continued between us, with h being nice as he saw a change in me that he never experienced. It was the I 'don't give a #$%^@#@$# anymore change. This is a RADICAL for me - risking this way was to risk M. However, the low blows were a bit much and all the people who are so 'great' are not the ones taking care of him or supporting him (Let THEM put $$ where their mouth is, walk the talk'!!) Here I am the jack donkey.
What struck me though, was the overall shortened period of time re: speaking to me again, & the reduced hostility relative to b 4.

MLC crumb sharing habits:
One week before that episode, h had invited me to tag along somewhere prior to the 'big renunion.' We did the expected 'placid, non glamourous' thing. He reserves other trendy outings for the those 'more deserving' of nice places. I knew what was happening. This was a 'set up' so that he could do what he really wanted 2 do. They, MLCers all think the LBS stupid. I went along (up to that point on one level), just observing actions as I was not sure what to do next. I did not want to spoil his event 4 him but knew in my heart that I cud not go through another year like this. There wud b changes re infidelity (!) as this was re-entering 'the relationship landscape' (unlike the 2014 holiday season).

Cat out of Bag:
Anyway, a few conversations later, something else came up! He muttered something (?) . I was doing some work that day and reflected about the strange talk we had. Asked him if he was thinking of stds? (b/c of the nature of the conversation). My reasons were two-fold - I needed to know if he was sick & also to bring up infidelity since I did not want another year of infidelity & occasional '@home intimacy combined. During the past year of observation, applying various methods ... & trying to see what works re mlc, I put up with it, 'tweaking' as I went, but my limit fo rthis was a year. h was clearly taken aback & confused that infidelity came up. Not long after, he came out - asked if I (!!) had been unfaithful? I said an emphatic "no!!" I could see the confusion lingering with him.

He obviously gave it more thought overnight b/c bright & early the next morning he confronted me about it yet A G A I N! Infidelity - why would I have asked about stds if i have no concerns for myself?. If the stds were NOT about me !!! Then ??? I think I threw him a curve as he felt his crumb throwing was doing the trick fro all of last year.

'Da script':
Then, along the script Wow! ... he "NEVER cheated on me". It was a 'seamless' script. Very impressive. No flinching, great eye contact VERY, VERY convincing. Fact is that I KNOW that he has been trying to meet women - dont know the names, faces etc (details) but I have spoken with my friend, we have seen, overheard & KNOW FOR SURE.
After he was done trying to convince me that it's just guys' hangong out having a good time and denying everything, he turned it on me!! Gave some pathetic examples of suspicous moments when he thought that it was I (!!) who had been unfaithful during our marriage (2 sep times!). GENIUS!

A few hours later, he tried to b 'nice' ( that day and the one after). Played music (what we liked as couple ) showed me old family photos when child was a baby, helped tidy when I was not around (which he does not typically do) and came to small talk quite often. Stuff he hadn't done for a while as 'mlc-ing' had taken over. Lots of damage control(he doesn't have many other options, so it is hard to gage this). The next day he took off. I suspect to express his rage, or other feelings and emotions privately. He left early and returned late (At one time, I did not know if he would return).