barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

Thanks Toots - I feel that you are right. I have tried to file my feelings away for a very long time. It does not help me. She is still getting closer to me, but I am still leery of it and I am distracted by my uncertainty. I am having a very hard time trying to enjoy this moment (and maybe that's a good thing to keep me realistic).

I feel like I need to have the conversation and tell her what will help me. She told me one time that it was over with OM - it has not been mentioned by her or I since.

She asks me every morning what I am thinking/feeling (she hasn't done that in a year). I tell her a little bit, but still am not sharing all of my feelings (I am worried she will use this against me some how). She still is wanting to touch me (hold my hand and get close to me) when we are together.

I asked her if the other night if this was real. She said yes and then said "I am sorry that I had my head up my a$$ - I don't know what I was thinking." This is as much of an apology as I have ever gotten.

I also told her the other night that I was a little scared by this because I did not want to get hurt again. She said that those are valid feelings.


When I tell her about my need for no contact with OM (and a letter stating this) I wonder what this distrust will trigger in her?

I think that the need for transparency may go ok with some of her information if I tell her that I am still going to be open , honest and transparent with her. She has always had full access to all of my stuff - I don't care and have nothing to hide.

I think that I may need these things because I am not feeling better about this - I still am having a very hard time trusting her.

Thanks T-Mom and HP - It feels good to have you on my side. Good luck to you