Hello everyone, Just finished the book..I'm the low desire person. I'd like to try some of the ideas in there, but I am not sure where to start. I'm on my 2nd marriage, so far 6 years. I have 4 kids, ages 12-2, all home with me because we home school. I work one or two pm shifts outside the home, and take midnight call at work on a regular basis. (Sometimes I get called in, sometimes not, more often yes than not!) I have a business from my home, and also do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, taxes and other etc that goes with running a home. Our house is an older one we are trying to fix up, so I coordinate the supplies, workers, odd jobs and etc with that. Because of that, too, we are often broke.
Hubby works day shift, gone from 7a to 6p, comes home and falls asleep in front of the tv. To be fair, he washes the supper dishes and does his own laundry. He will read to the kids on occasion. He doesn't feel loved without sex. His idea of "normal" is 2-3 times a week, but we have not had sex in a long time. His idea of good sex is making me orgasm every time. When I don't, or ask him to stop because I'm becoming sore, he sees it as a failure on his part. He's a poor lover in his eyes, and wants to try even harder the next time to "get it right". He doesn't (or can't) seem to see all the things I do every day, doesn't notice the kids hanging on me 24-7, and can't understand why I've got no interest in sex. He tries to turn every attempt from me to physically connect (like a kiss, or hug, or snuggle) into a sexual invitation. I'm afraid to approach him for any physical need anymore, because he'll want sex and then make a big rejection scene when I don't want it also.
Sorry this is so long, and I'm sure it's the same old song from many folks...I really want to make my husband happy, but quite frankly, I'm too tired! I don't know how to cram even one more responsibility into my days, and am not sure I want to! But now, somehow, I must because my hub thinks I'm having an affair because I'm working so much and won't have sex. I'd spread for him if it was that easy, but my luck, I'd end up pregnant...(oh, by the way, birth control is my responsibility too).
thanks for listening...any ideas on where to start? Momx4
First, it's good that you're willing to try. If your husband doesn't appreciate that, then he's being quite the goober - it's the hardest step sometimes.
Second, this is a great place to come for comfort and support. So, welcome, and hopefully we can help.
Third, I'm stealing a moment away from in-law time, so I can't really respond to your whole post, but I've time for a quick little cyber-hug. *hug* (-:
And on the birth control side, have you considered the Depo Provera shot? It's once every 3 months, so it's not an addition to daily routines and is easy to manage with the doc. I'm horribly flighty, so for me it was the best option, but it's simplified pregnancy worries for both of us. It might be a good way to get rid of those worries for you without adding an additional stressor to your life and possibly (depending on what you're doing now) could take one away. (Not an all-purpose suggestion, just something you might consider.)
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
I've been thinking about something like that. I wonder if it has age limits (I'm 41), and also wondered if it was okay to use while nursing (my 2 year old still does sometimes). The pill is out because it makes me ill. I haven't had a pap smear in over 3 years because I can't seem to find time (or a babysitter during the day) to get it done. Thanks for responding so quickly. I try to not be too negative, but some days it's really HARD! Momx4
Mom- Boy can I understand why you are tired. I think my W and I were experiencing a similar situation xcept I was the persuer and could not understand why she did not want to -- enough of that , fast forward past our issues. We are reconciling currently and although we have not come out and set a schedule, it is falling into a pattern now. I am doing alot more around the house, cooking, etc.etc. and am actually liking it now. Sooo
Just my .02 - If you are tired from chores, kids and then feel burdened by birthcontrol etc. try to offload some to him. I know it sounds easy but -- I know it stinks if you have to make all the effort at first but I would bet if you outlined a schedule for Saturday and listed what you would like for him to do (Start smaller - Dinner and children's bath's and reading) and while he is doing that go and light some candles, get relaxed and enjoy the remainder of the evening with H (Just buy some condoms and do not wait for him) and really "Act as if you are truly enjoying this", he will also relax and enjoy the moment with you. Do not get frustrated if he makes some dumb statement .. Also, let him know what you enjoy - no matter how small - Foot massage, back massage, what positions etc.. I found the verbal acknowledgement and directions fantastic.
During the week when he takes hugs etc as signs of sex, just let him know that you would like to but would prefer to postpone it until Wed, Saturday or whatever night you desire (Soon and follow through becuase he will be waiting). Do the list again soon and follow through -- this will condition him and you. I would bet that he will begin to do some of these items without you asking. I know - why should you have to? - you do not have to but I would guess after a few times, you will want to and so will he. Of course the frequency can always be increased when needed.
At random times when the 2 yr old is asleep just pull him into your room and lock the door for a quicky - no warning, just do it and enjoy it. You will probably scare him at first but he will be a smiling guy. I know for me, less frequency - although not optimum for me - is OK when I know we are on for one of the nights and possibly some other random acts on other days. Also, use this as his love bank account -- sometimes you can make large deposits (many times in a week or weekend) and not need to ML again for another week
Bottom line - if there is some consistency, he will most likely begin to back off - just talk to him and communicate clearly and precisely to him what and when you want. When you are feeling good about this - make sure he understand what it is that mae you feel loved and sexy - what ever that is and show him that he needs to also follow through for you.
For my W, it is the kind, simple acts and extra help and attention - you betcha I make huge efforts to now do whatever it takes (I was trainable I guess )
Momx4, My experience might help you. I was just like your H. When my wife was expecting our children and nursing etc. I was working 'til late often then I would come home and work on the computer. We had a small house and the computer was in the bedroom. I was up until 1am most nights working on it. I did not realise it at the time but I was being totally selfish. I did no chores around the house at all. I thought I was doing the right thing and couldn't understand why W was going off me. Sex became a high pressure subject where the more I pushed her the more resistant she became until to all intents and purposes it has gone altogether. Some time ago she complained that I never do anything to help around the house and that if I did perhaps she would be more willing to ML. Well to me that was the strongest motivator I had ever been given and I started noticing piles of unwashed clothes where I had stepped over them before. I now do the washing - well I pick up clothes and put them in the machine. I also do all the washing up and I tidy things away. I organised a cleaner once a week who does all the mucky stuff and I help more with the garden (she likes gardening so we do that together). I also redecorated the house and built a conservatory with my bare hands. All on the promise of more love. That probably started as much as 10 years ago and I am still doing my share of chores. Unfortunately the love and sex I dreamed of is yet to materialise which is why I'm on this forum... SD
I got up the gumption to show him the book, and to make an appointment for the BC thing..one less worry. So far he has shown no interest in the book, but at least he didn't say it was a stupid idea. I think I'll just leave him with it for now.
I've also decided to try to start calling him more at work during his lunch to "touch base" during the day. Maybe if he feels more connected at home, he will be more willing to help out? I'm making contact, but am safe from the sex advances that seem to come from my attempts to reach out to him.
Hello all, Thanks for your support! It's been one week since I showed H the book. It sat on the desk in the dining room all week, unopened. Now it sits on the piano, still unopened!!
I know I shouldn't be too tough on him, but he is just a lost cause! I mean, (I know I'm venting here), but for instance...last time I worked (3 to 11's), I came home late to discover that the toilet wasn't working. So I asked him about it, and he says "I plungered it". I'm like "And that's it??? You knew it wasn't fixed, but just left it anyway?" Bear in mind that it's now midnight...so here I am, in the middle of the night, disassembling the fricking crapper!! He could've easily done this himself, since the "incident" happened after the kids had gone to bed..but no...he does his bit by plunging it, and thus is off the hook and I end up fixing it in the middle of the night! Of course, then there he is, hovering around, getting in the way, trying to be MR. HELPFUL...I felt like I wanted to deck him! It took me one hour to fix it. He could've easily done it and had it fixed before I came home. (okay, vent over!)
It's very hard to try to be patient and understanding when these type of stunts occur! I mean, things like this really don't make me want to work on the relationship. Then he doesn't even take the time to look at the book, but yet he finds time to fall asleep in front of the tv, and watch the basketball games. These things say to me "I'm don't really care about you." I guess I was hoping that working on my own attitude would cause some changes. Maybe I've not been at it long enough? It's just so FRUSTRATING! Then he comes at me with the LD issues, and I don't even want to go there for discussion. I don't even want to discuss anything! Guess I need some lessons from Corri on how to hold my tongue better.
I did make the dr. appt for the BC thing, it comes this week. Maybe the dr. will have some ideas? Any good sugguestions for questions I should ask?
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