Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[25yearsmlc]

Bob

Here is another possible way to see your interactions...

I'm adding a little to my post from yesterday. I had to contact my WAW (via text for the record) asking her to cancel our landline -- it's in her name and she hasn't been following thru.

If it is in HER name, why are you involved in this, at all?

Can you detect your own critical intent in your wording "she hasn't been following thru" = "She failed" ??

Can you see how SHE might think, "Oh, gee, more of the same from h, AGAIN"...?


Anyway, she finally replied and said she did. I probably should've run this by the group, but since I had her attention, I sent her this text:


OR to put another way, "Since I had her attention, I WENT IN FOR MORE & THEN SHOWED MY CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR AGAIN

"If you're sure you'll be happy never seeing me again then so be it. We had a great run together, didn't we?"


These^^^ are not the words of a secure or healthy man. They are words that look like attempts by you to pressure her AND OR to punish her.

"If you are SO SURE blah blah blah, then that's it. I'm GONE!"...

What was your goal in saying that? (Esp since you admit SHE never said that anyway) and btw I think you are lucky she did not take the bait - and say "Good bye forever."


Now, for the record, she has never said she'll be happy never seeing me again. Sometimes, when we do speak, I might blurt out

I know this ^^ won't be easy, but it is SIMPLE (= not complex),

but STOP "BLURTING" things out. Just stop it. It's very destructive.


that I miss her and she replies immediately that she misses me, too. It sounds so sincere. Who knows except my wife?

Ah, so your comment was an attempt to get reassurances from her? At best, that seems like lousy timing to me.

I'm sure this makes her think I'm trying to get her to change her mind about the D.


Well, among other things, of course it does. And it was, in part, exactly that.

So, here is her reply to my text ^^^ the last paragraph:
"A pretty fair one, I'd say. Now, I just need my life back, and if you don't get what that means, maybe ask your counselor. Ciao"

I have already asked my therapist what that means and he said it means different things to different people, and that he thinks I deserve to know what she means by that. She has not replied.


IMO, you should Back WAY off and leave her alone. It means she wants self rule.

STOP asking her to detail an answer she gave you when you "blurted" out an unfair poorly timed question. Why does she "owe" you more of an answer, given the past?

I say be careful what you wish for.

Anyone out there, especially the ladies, have any idea what she might mean? I think my over-protectiveness of her (she has MS) is the main issue.

I have a feeling she has never (or not recently) used the term "over protectiveness" to describe the way she sees your behavior.

I think she said it was your controlling, critical nature that smothers her, and she feels that you are NOT "protecting" her so much as crushing her. She has been clear with you and leaving you 6 years ago for the same reasons, is more clarity than most get.


Didn't you admit you start fights often, take your stress out on her, and you definitely don't back off even when she asks you to....

So my question is, what is there for her to explain?


Now, I know how wrong I was but she either refuses to believe me or has emotionally moved on.


IF you know you were wrong, just say THAT - and let the rest go.

The more you pressure her to back down and return (which is ultimately your goal even if you can't see it), OR to her to reassure you, the more likely you are to get the opposite in return.

The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend those choices.

You persist in the same old behavior, expecting different results OR MAYBE you think b/c she backed down before and came home, (tail between her legs??) that it will work again. But I don't get that vibe from her.

I am so heart-broken. Nothing or nobody in this world means more to me than my wife, children and step-children. And yes, I have mentioned this to my wife.

I hope things are getting better for all of you! Hang in there.

Bob

What are the 180s you are doing? And do you have any short term goals?

I'd focus much more on those and embrace the reality of ambiguity. Yes you wish you had more certainty in your life but you don't right now. Neither does she.

Neither do any of us, actually. Stop trying to force things that cannot be forced.

How is your personal work going? Did you ever check into that personal growth workshop I suggested? ("Essential Experience", aka "EE", held in Philadelphia). I found it life changing. So did my h (but you do not go as a couple. It's for individuals- but of course, each person's self improvement helps them as couples too). I highly recommend it for you. They have a great website, so check that out.

And what about the TED TALK videos? Did you get anything out of them? (If you addressed that already, mea culpa. I have read many threads today and may have forgotten your reply to that).

Work the DB program b/c it works. Get Back to basics,

GAL, 180s and short term goals.

AND PLEASE ask yourself BEFORE you "blurt" out or write to her or DO anything,

whether it's likely to help your situation, OR hurt it.

Asking her for reassurance is a bad idea atm, and so is the constant questioning and demanding clarification. Besides, she may not have the clarity you seem to require and I would not push for more then...

Try harder to relax around her (even if it means an Oscar worthy performance) so she can learn that being around you won't always be such a tiresome challenge to her. The more she believes she can actually relax around you, the better.

IN TIME you may be able to build on that. But one thing at a time. Right now, she's not at all sure she can even have a conversation with you so no, I would not keep pushing.