Just an update, but the last few days have been more of "SMALL" encouragements. I do mean small, but things like him just calling to say thank you for something I did for him. This is very new. The phone calls from her keep coming, I got upset the other day when she called about 5x in a row, and I asked him to please either turn off the phone or keep it on his person so I didnt need to see the lights flashing each time she calls(he has it on silence) He agreed, and said dont get upset, I havent been calling HER its her calling ME.
Well I think he IS calling her but not when he is with me, so I need to be ok with that. I am getting MORE ok with it. We were to go to therapy,and had to cancel for daycare issues, so I was emotional that day, the next day I went in for STD testing, which was humiliating and we had an hour where I really needed something from him he obviously wasnt going to give me. I did say I hope someday he relized how humiliating it was for me to go into the doc we share and say I needed to be tested, he says he is sorry etc.
THEN to top it off, he had been talking about making love for 2 days. Never happened, he kissed me(Peck on the lips nothing serious) and I said(yes I know I am not following things to the letter I am still so raw this is hard) cant you just kiss me like you care. We had been talking about moving in a month or two, which does feel good that he is talking about that rather than moving with HER which he WAS talking about, and stupid me has to say why cant you kiss me, why cant you just end the affair and lets get on with things.
His response was Maybe I'll end it, and Im just incredibly guilty about what Im doing to you, the intimacy is going to take time.
So my question is this. Is it REALLY the guilt or does he somehow feel he is "cheating" on the OW.
I gotta get passed this because we have really been doing pretty well, no fighting, Im not talking about R or OW for the most part, and we had 2 really nice, peaceful days. We laid in bed all day one day, nothing but laying next to each other reading, but it was nice, he is still sleeping with me, he is coming home to me every night. He is taking off work Sunday to go to church with me. I should view these as good signs right? If he was really ready to go he wouldnt be going to therapy/church etc. right? That would make the affair harder, so if he really was ready to leave he wouldnt make that effort at least right????
He is however with her tonight YUCK! I feel like Im reading too much into things and in a month this will all crash down on me.
