If we own the story then we can write the ending

[mahhhty]

Andy,
These are my two cents...

As everyone has read from my posts I have certainly struggled with learning to detach, something that I almost equate to being addicted to a drug. I believe that on that front I have made some great strides, and am learning how negative an effect griping tighter and tighter was. I have also learned how sacrificing my boundaries, how the constant rolling over, never helped things in my marriage. In fact it probably helped to make things worse.

Remember that almost everyone (if not everyone) struggles with detaching. It is exactly the opposite of what your gut reaction is. So your brain is trying to convince you that lashing out, talking, reasoning, expressing your feelings is needed to feel better. And sometimes it feels great for a couple of seconds, but it will backfire.

And I know you are right, the tighter you held on, the more she wanted to leave. I did the same thing.

Now I hear the many of the people (my support group) screaming in my head "stop blaming myself. Stop taking all the responsibility". Don't get me wrong I'm not taking all of it, I'm just owning up to my part as a self reflection. That being said here is where my struggle is...

Be careful of family and friends. Naturally, they are in your corner, not many if any will be even slightly objective. Because they care for you, they know you and subconsciously rationalize your position based off those judgements they will be driven to figure out the easiest way for you and themselves to feel better. This is an instantaneous impulse. They are trying to fix today. What is wrong today or in the moment. They can not be trusted to fully understand or validate the approach you are going down.

I find myself sticking up for the X in conversations, and my family says the same thing... You are taking too much responsibility. She should have approached you. blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is, you are here b/c you want to learn and get back on track and pull your family together. So you are going to be much more open about what you could have done differently b/c you are learning from it.

Mainly it has come as text messages, but a couple have been with her coming by the house to pick things up or drop off my D's. On Friday my W began texting me about needing some tools to hang a shelf. I tried to keep my distance by choosing not to respond right away to her messages. At one point she said "hanging shelves are not my strong suit". I think that would have been an opportunity to be a cheer leader to her and simply say "I know that you can do it" or something along those lines. I didn't I just simply left it as a basic response.

I struggle with this too. It is hard to make an impact on your Spouse when you have conflicted emotions and premises and are trying hard to implement the DB rules. If it is possible, keep the road paved smooth and start with words of affirmation and validation, with a smile. If possible...

I need to focus on me and my own self worth/healing. Am I right on this line of thinking? or am I doing more damage? Honestly me detaching and not being at her beckon call is a 180 for me, and to go back to my drug analogy, its like someone "come on just a little bit, it will feel so good" I really looking for some guidance here.

You are here. You are learning. You are implementing what you are learning. Keep doing those things. It is shitty that you are here (this goes for all of us). Some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your marriage, focus on yourself and your girls.

Although I hate it, I do know that I need to get my mind right and detach so the pursuer becomes the distancer and the distancer becomes the pursuer if there is ever a chance.

Again my two cents. Good luck!