Do I tell him all I know?

[25yearsmlc]

so, in the end I sent a text as follows;

Thank you for the anniversary wishes (a day early!). It's still worth remembering, I guess. We created a wonderful family, 4 amazing children that make the world a better place. Happy Anniversary to you, for tomorrow.......

Each time, I want to drop the rope, to let go, he does something like this, it always seems like he is cake eating, making sure to be sufficiently nice to me to ensure that I will be still be there for him if he wants. But not too nice, no kisses at the end of the message.

Well, he's not being excessively cruel, but I can't say that sending a text is particularly loving. I mean, it's about the minimum he could do.

For our 24th, h sent roses and a note that suggested nothing was off beat about him living 3000 miles away. I vowed NOT to spend our 25th that way and took the kids and myself to Italy for the best vacation I had had til then.

(H and I went ourselves later on. But that first trip with the kids is still such a great memory. NO reminders of h, and a lot of bonding with the kids).

I can only assume that the trip hit h hard b/c my MC said it would be hard not to notice and to wonder where the heck I and the kids were and for the first time, ever, h could not reach me or the kids when HE wanted to...

maybe you could be a LOT LESS available to him?

My gut says that your h is not going to miss you or come around making real effort, as long as he 1) knows you are there waiting anyhow

and or 2) as long as HIS needs are met without making the effort to win you back.

So that brings me to the question of what legal protections YOU have, with or without him.

What are you going to lose if you two divorce? And if things remain as they are?


I feel like a fool sometimes for even bothering to respond to him - it seems like I am meeting his needs just by being here - I don't want to meet any of his needs, the OW(s) can do that.

I was ready to ignore our wedding anniversary for the first time ever and was sure he would, I was ready to ignore valentines day for the first time ever and was sure he would. I am moving forward and leaving him behind to figure himself out, I really hope he does but I have accepted that I cannot help him.

I always come back to my original question, the title of my thread - do I tell him all I know? He doesn't know that I know about his online dating, his return to the original OW, the rest of the OWs and his attempts to make sure that anyone who knows what he is doing keeps it from me. Because he doesn't know what I know he can pretend, can continue to live his half life in each world, being just nice enough to me.

My only question is, what do YOU gain or lose by keeping it to yourself, versus telling him what you know?

Once I can grasp that, I might be able to better advise.