WAW-- LRT in action

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. I hope you will post often and keep us updated.

Did your W complain about anything else beside you being disrespectful? In what ways do you show disrespect? Do you agree that you have treated her disrespectfully? Was it news to you, or has she complained in the past?

I think you may have more than just a walk-away wife, but IDK yet. There is a possibility she has become wayward in her morals/values. There may be a third party involved. Would that be a deal breaker for you?

You situation will involve more than just improving a otherwise healthy M. If she wants a D, it is not healthy at all. What you may have thought should be what you should do to make things work......is in fact not going to work at this time. What we will tell you will seem very counterproductive, but if you can hang in there with us, we will do our best to help you get over the hardest hump.

I can probably tell you more things not to do than things "to do" with a WAW. But we can't get it all covered in a couple of posts. And, there are no short cuts or magic formula to use. It is a hard and long road ahead. However, depending on how many backslides you have, I believe it could be shorten a little.

The more information you can give us, the better we can help. Why did you ask your W right off if she wanted a D? Has D come up in conversations in the past? And why do you seem to accept her reason of just being sick of you? Are you an obnoxious person?

There is a difference in being disrespectful and standing up to a wayward wife. If she is wayward, you will not get her back by trying to appease her. You can't "nice" her back into the M. Know what I mean? So stand your ground as long as it aligns with your values, principles, belief system, etc. But you need to know where to draw the line between standing up for yourself and being a bully. You cannot place pressure on a WAW. Get that now. No pressure!

With that said, now is the time to think on your values and where you would draw another kind of line, and I'm talking about if your personal boundaries were dishonored. Don't act on it right now, just read up on it.

When she returned, we talked briefly, and I said bluntly, that I want to return to the house and sleep in my own bed. Just because it's convenient for me to stay at my friends house, doesn't make it right. This upset her, because she said she never "kicked me out". And that she could stay at her Mother or Father's house, or in our MIL apartment. I apologized and said I would give her more time.

Why did you apologize? Did you suddenly believe you were wrong? If that's the case, fine. If you did so as a way of placating, it doesn't work. The only thing that will be effective at this time, is for her to see your inner strength in these matters.

MWD says to pick your battles. Some things are worth the battle and some things need to let be. You decide what's worth a battle, or not. When this starts hitting you from every side, it's easy to get completely off balance, and tend to make little irritations become major issues. That's why it is important to take very good care of your health (physically and mentally).

I thought it was minor at the time, but I saw the wall go up immediately. I thanked her for letting me know that every tone of every response I make really needs to be tempered.

I'm not sure how you mean this.

We had a productive talk after, where I really tried to validate and repeat what she had said. I think she appreciated this, because she knew I was listening to her concerns.

This showed her you were being respectful enough to really listen to what she had to say. That's good. Everyone wants that much consideration.

We talked some more, and I said something to the effect of "I love you and I know you love me" (major backslide) and this really made her mad and she let me know. That's the kind of demeaning comment that makes it sound as if I know what's best for her. It seemed innocuous in the moment, but I'm really starting to understand how this works.

You did not intend for it to sound demeaning, but we women don't take kindly to men telling us how we feel. If anything, we will do the opposite, to prove you didn't know how we felt after all. Lesson learned?

She's just not ready yet and I'm still learning the ebb and flow of this technique. I must be more patient.

This statement causes me a little concern. "She's just not ready yet". Maybe I have given you too much benefit of doubt, but we'll see as it goes along.

In case you have it in your mind that this will be a quick fix (to get her ready), you sadly mistaken. Get ready for the hardest work you have every applied in your life.