Masterpiece still in progress...

[Jer2911]

Jer,

I need to gently remind you that my own MLC lasted for 5 years. It took a long time to reintegrate myself and be content with who I am today. It may take as equally long time as it will be for W to walk through this journey.

If she ever makes it through the journey and doesn't get stuck. My biggest fear is that she will never be aware enough to get the help she really needs to help her go through this. I can now see patterns in her adult relationships and those patterns will just continue unless she really deals with her own issues that have nothing to do with me.

There will be times when the MLC will have clarity moments and/or appear to be lucid. They're far and few in between. Nothing to do with you.

I do recall a few lucid moments then went right back to confusion, pressure, and feeling like having zero control of my life & surroundings.

I suspect that this may be one of those moments... This was a helpful discussion this morning and it was nice to feel like I was really conversing with my W, but I do expect the walls to go back up and also assume more MLC craziness until she begins to move further along.

This is why I feel strongly about needing to get out of the house. As much as that hurts, I know she and I both need the time and space away from each other for both of us to move forward on the journeys we both need to take. While I feel like I am able to make some progress living under the same roof, I do think I will be able to make more progress when I have the emotional, mental, and spiritual distance from her. And she needs to live the reality of only having the kids half-time as well as the reality of not having me in her "space" if she is ever going to realize that the unhappiness is within herself.

I just feel like I am beginning to understand a lot more about her through all of this. I always felt, as her wife/partner and friend, that I knew her better than anyone else -- and now I feel that even more strongly because I've been living with her and seeing all of this for so long. I wasn't aware of what was really going on, but now it's as if my eyes are finally fully open and I can really see everything. None of that changes how she feels about me -- but it allows me to have a much better understanding of this situation which helps me have more compassion and less bitterness towards her.

We still have such a long road ahead of us through all of this... a marathon... with a roller-coaster built-in...

The irony in all of this is that through all of this I feel like I am beginning to really understand what real love is... real, unconditional love that doesn't require the other person to reciprocate that love in order for it to exist... I thought I understood what all of that was before this hurricane hit, but now I really do understand it... I can also say the same for my understanding of forgiveness... True forgiveness that doesn't require the other person to say "sorry" or ask for forgiveness...