Wife during deployment EA/PA ongoing #4

[Train]

"I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done, I have done to try and fight for our marriage. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for your choices, as you're beginning to learn. I will neither do or un-do anything further, as frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.

Rys"

I like that. But Rys, you have to be really, really, really sure that you are genuine and authentic about this and *fully prepared* for her to choose OM. The way I look at it - and did, even in my sitch - is that she already has.

At the end, you're left with two possibilities:

1. Your W comes back to you and understands why you fought as hard as you did for her and respects you for it. (And I'm pretty sure you know what I mean by "fight.")

2. Your W is already gone and won't come back, and you are left with respect for yourself.

I'll tell you from where I sit, there's nothing attractive about a man who does, well, NOTHING. Most women I know still want a hero. I consider myself a strong woman, but if I would ever - God forbid - cheat on my H and leave him, I just can't imagine I would ever be re-attracted to him if he appeared to simply move on with his life without setting firm boundaries to show that he loves me and respects HIMSELF and our M vows. I'd probably spew and lash out and make threats in an effort to get my way (which, frankly, is exactly what I think your W's email is). But deep in my gut, I think I'd grow respect for my H. And I *know* I wouldn't LOSE respect for him. But maybe that's just me and my personality. BUT, even though I typically wouldn't think that writing an email to your W is a good idea, she wrote first, and I think Starsky's response covers perfectly that you are NOT doing this to control her; you're doing it, instead, because you LOVE her and honor your M. I think it's very important, in this case, that you tell her that.

Maybe she won't believe you. If she's anything like my H, it'll probably send her off the deep-end a little at first. But just as you can't control her actions, you also can't control her REactions.