Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[susana4]

But I also just realised because H does the laundry, he will know if I've bought sexy new underwear, except he doesn't get to see it on me, he just gets to wash it.

LMAO! Okay, the "he just gets to wash it" comment just about made me pee myself.

But yes! This is exactly what I'm talking about. YOU get the confidence boost *and* you drop a SUBTLE hint to H about what he's missing out on. As you said: leave the new lingerie in the hamper, but DO NOT tell him about shopping for it or having new things. Let him stumble upon it. Let HIM start to wonder about YOU.

I'd never recommend that you go *out of your way* to imply that you're "seeing" someone else or ANYTHING of that nature. But to add an aura of mystery to you? That's a DB rule! Run with it!

Here's the thing, susana: I know when we all first land here, we don't feel sexy or wanted. But (and here's where I'm thinking, as I wrote earlier, I *do* think our sitches cross) you're sitting in a position where H is clearly, in many ways, still attracted to you. We're going to hammer on ways you can really hang onto that and use it to your M's advantage.

RUN from being clingy or needy or even giving off the *appearance* of it. Your H needs to see you being light and breezy and a little flirty then - get this - largely UNAVAILABLE.

Thanks so much Train for taking the time to explain all of this to me. I keep thinking about your "flip the script" comment - that is brilliant.

Right after BD, I definitely felt very unsexy and unwanted and didn't bother to look nice. In the last month and a half, I've been dressing up more and it's given me a big confidence boost, at least when I'm out of the house I feel good, and I get asked out, but when I'm at home with H it's a different story. I just end up alternating between thinking "WHY doesn't this man want me?!" and "freaking idiot, how can he not want to be with me, I deserve better"

Thinking about it, it's at times when I've been thinking the latter that he's been most attracted to me. Hmmm.

I've definitely been missing the unavailable part. I've been GAL-ing a lot but I can see when I'm home my energy/focus is turned towards H far too much.

Right, so, I think I'm understanding now. Like...teasing? "This is what you can't have".
Yes. Sort of. But - and I know this is so confusing - it isn't exactly to get a rise or a reaction out of him. It's more to make YOU feel better, and more confident, about yourself. And THAT is what's likely going to get a rise and a reaction out of him. Does that make sense at all?

Ha. This is confusing! To make matters even more confusing, I can see how getting a rise out of him, and then walking away, would boost my confidence. (Maybe it all feeds into each other?)

I think I did this over Xmas, is this on the right track?
Over Xmas we were visiting my family and H and i were sharing close quarters. I'd sometimes "accidentally" be standing there in my bra when he came into the bathroom. He'd get..um...excited, and then I'd leave the room. I told my friend "this is great, it's like when you know you're going to see an ex at a party so you buy a sexy dress to make them jealous, except I get to do it every. single. day."
Yes. Exactly. If you can get back into the mindset of seeing an ex at a party, and all the ways you'd prepare for that, you're EXACTLY on the right track.

Now keep in mind, it doesn't ALL have to be sexual. In fact, it shouldn't be. The idea to make all the snacks the other day, get everything set up and wish H a good time then waltz out and GAL yourself? Beautiful. But don't backslide into your old ways of being clingy and pursuing ... ESPECIALLY once you have momentum. Keep going!

This isn't to be mean to your H. This is to make you feel better about yourself. And THAT will most likely re-attract him. And you MUST re-attract him before you ever think of reconciliation.

I think you're getting ready to knock some socks off. Just stay consistent.

Alrighty.

I can get into the seeing an ex at the party mindset. Just need to work on the non-sexual aspect.

And, this is going to sound weird, but I seem to only have 2 modes right now: clingy and cold. I really need to find that middle ground.

Just to take a small moment as an example, and let me preface this by saying I know no single thing makes or breaks a sitch so I don't actually think this matters, I'm just curious how I could have handled it: Last night as I passed H in the hall, he reached out and stroked my cheek and said "ooh, the face mask worked, so soft". I made a joke and he laughed and I walked into the other room, but I think it probably could have been an opportunity to make a flirtatious comment and then leave.

Sorry, about to get a little rambling here, but I keep thinking I don't know how to attract or re-attract, because I didn't really attract H in the first place, at least not consciously. I was just me, and that attracted him. But I don't think I put any effort in. But then I suppose that's what I should be doing now (just need to find me again), because if he isn't attracted to *me*, I don't want to be with him. I guess it's all a matter of finding myself again, and my confidence. Does that make sense?