Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[susana4]

Hi susana4 - Sorry if I was a little harsh earlier. It tends to happen when something is clear to me and not to others and it's something I need to work on.

It's ok, it did sting a bit but point taken.

I'm wondering about the place of sex in your M. How long after he first asked you out did you two sleep together? Men can think with their genitals sometimes and it's usually advised to delay sex until you know the other person enough to want their company without the sex.

I made him wait awhile, I'm really not someone to jump into bed quickly. I'll give you the full backstory in case it helps:

H and I met at work. Shortly after we met we shared a drunken kiss and he asked me to come home with him and I said no (I actually got quite offended because I am not the kind of girl that just follows someone home like that).

After that, we just did a lot of flirtatious banter at work. A couple of years passed and he asked me out on a date. I think it was 3 or 4 months into dating when we had sex. I waited until we were "official" and I also asked to get tested even though we were planning to use protection, because I'm very cautious about disease.

Which is not to say he didn't try before then, but I said no, I wanted to wait. When the day finally came that I said I was ready to have sex, he panicked and couldn't, he said "we waited so long I'm nervous and I feel like I'm having sex for the first time, ever, all over again." We did it the next morning though.

Within our R, I had a higher sex drive, but we were fairly matched, and we had a really good sex life IMO. I think the longest we ever went without was a week and a half, when I was on a trip.

Hope that's helpful, and not TMI.

If you're pulling him back with your sexy bras, is he going to stay for the right reasons? What else about your sparkly personality does he like? What will he miss if he leaves you? Or what 180s will make him reconsider his assessment of you?

Good questions. I guess I'm at a loss on how to re-attract in the non-physical sense. I don't want to just use sex to get him back, at all - not sustainable. I'm just not sure how re-attraction looks on the non-sexual side.

What else about your sparkly personality does he like? What will he miss if he leaves you?
-My cooking would be a huge thing. (Hence my obsession with limp cucumbers, ha.) Not to sound too full of myself, but the food I prepare is restaurant quality (or according to my H and various friends, it's better than any food they've ever had in a restaurant). I'm a massive foodie, I have a food blog, I've done recipe development for companies and I spend all day reading about food and creating recipes.
H specifically said he was VERY attracted to my "passion for food".
-My passion, in general - H has always said he was really attracted to how passionate I am.
-Kindness (another thing H has always mentioned)
-Sense of humour and teasing him - this one's weird to me, H loves being teased
-Adventurousness/independence (?) - H is into physical adventure like extreme sports, I'm not, but I'm much more into adventure in terms of travel, I've done a round the world trip on my own and I also moved halfway around the world when I was 20, on my own. H loves travel too (it's one of the first things we connected over on our first dates) but he would never go on his own and has always admired me for doing so.
-Creativity - H works in IT and is very analytical, whereas I'm much more into the creative side of things - writing, cooking, photography.

^^These are all things that attracted him to me, but I don't know how to use them to my advantage in re-attracting.

Or what 180s will make him reconsider his assessment of you?
180s I've been working on (some based on things he said that stung, some based on my own assessment of myself):
-Being less reactive and angry in disagreements - taking time to calm down before speaking (avoiding arguments)
-Stop criticising and give praise/gratitude instead
-Stop fixing things, and don't give advice
-No filling conversational gaps

I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?

I think you're confusing attraction within and outside of a relationship. Think of it that way: if a random colleagues comes to you and says that he has cooked this lunch for you and also bought you this CD that you'll certainly love considering your likes on Facebook and that he'd like to take you to a show of the band you mentioned in Twitter, how will you feel about him? I'll venture a little creeped out. Now if your husband does the same thing? You'll be head over heels. It's because your mutual love makes it reasonable to make those efforts. But for the colleagues, the lack of reciprocation make it weird for someone to care that much.

Outside of a relationship, the girl at the bar who's flashing me a smile and then turning to her friends is attractive. The girl at the social event who's funny and passionate is attractive. They're mysterious; they're a target for the hunter. I want their attention on me before someone else gets it. The girl who showers me with interest and does all kinds of things to please me is not nearly as attractive.

Train gave you great advice, but hopefully this also helps a little.

Ahhhhhh, ok I get what you're saying! Yes, I was definitely not thinking of attraction inside and outside a relationship. Thank you.