Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

Hello all,

I am new here and I hope that I have posted this message in the right place. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4.5 years. We have two children, 5 and 6 years old. Our whole time together I have been the person who has largely been in control of the relationship. I have not felt like this was in a domineering sort of way, just really that I am more intelligent (that's not meant to sound big headed or anything) and so when it has come time to make decisions on things I have usually taken the initiative, partly because she has not been interested in things. For example, she wouldn't be able to tell me how much an electricity bill was.

So, we have gotten along fine for years but in recent months I had noticed that she was being more distant with me. We argue quite a bit, and on some of the occasions when we argue I have really shouted and been nasty to her. I realise now that this was wrong, and I think I knew at the time, but I thought that was just how our relationship and arguments went. She was also angry and nasty to me when we argued, but not to the same degree as I have been to her.

Anyway, over recent months I noticed that she was on her phone a lot more than usual. Whilst I was literally being sick about 5 months ago I noticed a short while later that texts on her phone to a male colleague matched the very moment I was being ill and she was meant to be looking after our children elsewhere in the house. I confronted her and she said they were just friends. The messages I saw were just friendly work banter but I wasn't happy. Then again, shortly before last Christmas we had been arguing, and somehow it came about that I saw she had been messaging this same person on Christmas day at 7.00am. There was one final time when she has apparently been on a night out to her cousin's house and she came home at 1.00am and thought I was asleep. In the past she would come in drunk, wake me up, and try to initiate sex. This time I heard her creeping about the house, creep upstairs, could sense even with my eyes shut that she was on her phone, and so I jumped up and asked her what she was doing. I saw a message on her phone saying something along the lines of 'have a good night hun, see you soon xxx. The next morning I rang her cousin where she has meant to have been but her cousin knew nothing about her coming to visit her the evening earlier. I confronted my wife and she said she had been out riding on the bus and thinking about the situation. The final straw came when at the end of January she out of the blue told me that she had to go into work to do an extra shift. My wife always complains about work and so I thought it odd that she would be volunteering for extra work. Anyway, she left without getting changed into her work uniform properly and forgot her keys. I went after her to give her the keys and decided to call her up to see what she said. She told me she was in one place but I saw her getting onto a bus and going in the opposite direction. I rang her work place that evening and they said she wasn't there. I had the number of the man she had been texting and so I called him - no answer. I texted my wife to ask what was going on and said I knew she was cheating. She told me I was insane and I needed to go to sleep and get some rest.

The next morning she came home and from out of the blue she said she wanted a divorce. She still insisted at this point that there was no affair etc, that she had been at a female work coleague's house the evening prior but she had had enough of me controlling her every move.

At Christmas time she got a new phone. She left the old phone laying about and I used some sms recovery software to see her old deleted messages. This confirmed that she had been having an affair. In the time between the fake work shift and getting this confirmation she had been spending a lot of time laying in bed, telling me she was confused and needed space. I didn't give her any. I did the thing most people do of pleading, crying, telling her I would change, simply because at that point although I had an inkling that she may have had an affair, I tried to convince myself that this was my wife and she wouldn't do something like that. Well, it turns out she did of course.

So, the situation has been that in the last three weeks I have called, texted, pleaded and begged her to give me one more chance. Even after finding out about the affair, I said to her that I forgive her and that I would not hold it against her. I do really mean that. I know that might sound hard to believe but I have really looked at myself and realise that although it is an awful thing that she has done, I am in part guilty of letting things get so bad that she felt the need to do it. I had thought despite the arguments that our lives together had been good. We had recently gone out to the theatre, been on 10+ foreign holidays in the last 2 years, and our children were extremely happy with us, at school etc.

So, realising a few days ago that my efforts were not being rewarded, I stopped the buying of chocolates, gifts etc and found this board and have ordered the DB book (due to arrive today). I have also read alot about LRT and have started to implement it in the day or two. Obviously this is early into things but by dressing far more smartly than I normally do and having a different attitude towards my wife, even in this short space of time I am seeing her change from being angry at me for pleading etc to being slightly confused by my behaviour and wondering what I am doing.

About a week ago she moved out to her parents house, which is a few miles away, with our children. Because I have been coping badly with things I let her take the children and I have been staying at home alone. I was coping so badly that I have had to go to the doctors a few times and was given anti depressants, and also my parents who were worried for me and worried about the chance of me doing something stupid, had called the ambulance service once or twice. Already since reading about LRT I feel infinitely better. I miss my wife and children like mad of course but I realise that I have to take control of things about myself and stop the pleading and chasing before anything even has a chance of working itself out.

My question now is what should I do next. I take and pick the children up from school and go to her parents to spend some time with them before coming home. My wife is usually there and goes in and out of the room whilst I am with the kids. I don't follow her because it is not our house and I don't want to intrude, I simply spend time with the kids and speak to her when she starts a conversation. Should I continue with LRT or do you think that any other 'method' would be applicable here. I do feel like even after a day or two that she sees me differently but of course I don't want her to think that I have actually got over our split. In her most recent arguments with me her main concern has been that I might call her work and reveal her affair or that I might call the other man and speak to him. I did text him a week or so ago but asking for help rather than in a threatening way. My wife told me he got the messages but would never reply. She still seems to be in the throes of having feelings for this other person even though he is about 15 years older than her, and she says that she doesn't love him, it was just about sex because she says that I did not show her enough attention at home. I believe I did but I suppose perception is a tricky beast.

Sorry for rambling on and not writing things in perfect order. I just wanted to get this out there and see if anyone could offer some advice about what to do next. Oh, I should say that my wife says she has not been to see a solicitor and has not mentioned anything about divorce really since the first few days of ending our relationship. It appears that she may be holding out to see how things go with this other man, who is meant to be leaving her workplace in a few weeks, before maybe reconsidering her position with me. Is there anything I could do to aid towards getting her to get over this other man? I don't want to get her work involved though. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to work on things after all our history and good times together but she was adamant that it's over, although saying that at times has said you never know what might happen in the future, and has also said that she doesn't want to give me false hope but maybe there is a chance things might work out. I love her dearly and want her back. Her parents are both catholic and are really pro marriage but after the initial shock of her admitting her affair, they seem to be supporting her in finding a new place to rent.

Thanks for reading.