Part 14 - Contents may flip without warning

[edz]

Morning all

V I had to read that twice (not had an opportunity for coffee yet) er hem time, batteries what kind of person do you think I am....although...nahhh.

Just chilled out read my book(s) (started another one) music and a bit of tv before a bath and bed, nothing to set the world aflame.

As I said I emailed w confirming my leave days she seems to be back in clipped email mode again for some reason, sigh, "let me know what you want you could have thu/fri".

Considered mirroring and just saying "fine" but I dont want to be that person (Im also starting to think everything w does is a test!). Gave her some time on it in case she came back but no, so went back saying "so thursday then?" "means you get him at the weekend for a bit more of a mix up" (I know she's been upset at only having him in the week for a while so this seems a good opportunity) "tell me more details on pickup/dropoff if so" "give me a shout".

Got a very short reply "can you pick him up about 10 thu".

Again paused after initially thinking just send "ok" but no sent "okey doke, back friday or sat morn whats best for the school stuff" and again short reply "can we see nearer the time".

But then 40 minutes later she was sending me a jokey email about the book (I bought her a physical novel a few weeks back, Id got her a kindle a few years back and a paper white for our anniversary in june before she left in july but she misses hardback books) being heavy and breaking her wrist.

So, yes, confusing again. Sort of movement on thing but still nothing I can go into and all dated before feb, still no one else involved insofar as I know. I suspect thats the main thing at play right now in dragging her to the not trying again side of the decision. Thats not, exactly, mind reading (I do have some info if limited) but it also sort of is, so best not to delve too deep. I will say some of her behaviours have been as far away from those that she's shown in the past 10 years as its seemingly possible to go but again nothing I can go into.

So back to me.

40 reps on the old exercises this morning, hooray no pain afterwards just muscles feel a little tighter (if only they werent in an muffin topping that would possibly be a good thing!) noticed the new trousers I got are starting to get loose around the waist which is good but not around the thighs which isnt (I dont just get a beer belly if Im overweight, it goes...everywhere which is a pain to shift )

So morning calls done, nearly coffee time. I'm really in two minds as to what to do next with w, I am feeling quite detatched, despite all the texts etc my main feeling is frustration at myself as to whether to just say let her get on and I will to (e.g. non-relationship oriented "dates") but I keep coming back to it being a bad idea. I noted in, I think it was Jims thread, someone said their IC had said why, whats stopping you is it theres no excuse no if you're rejected. I suppose theres an element of that but its also the "ejecting" 16 years of history to start over again, theres that element of fun about that thought but also the thought that it could all be a massive failure and make me worse. Hence I just stay solo for now.

I suppose Im just concerned Im still looking to w for "permission" in a way. Codependency in me was predicated on always looking for validation of myself and reassurance, I recognise it instantly when it surfaces now. Theres an echo of it in the feeling I have, I'm waiting on w to blow it up so I feel I have permission to go try. I thought long on that and I think in this case no, its more that w may be hanging on waiting for me to go so she's not the bad guy. Or maybe neither and I just need to stop over analysing!

Anyway will be swimming tonight and then, yay, Tescos for some odds and ends.