TLEE86. Part III

[Mozza]

TLEE86 - You've been following my sitch, so you know that I got into a similar situation. It was not as intense, but it might just be because I cut it out early on. My WAW was contacting me a lot, she wanted to meet and chat, she wanted to exchange funny stuff, she wanted to be friends. On the advice of the vets on these boards, I've decided, against my heart, to go full DB and to let her face the consequences of her choice to S. I've cut down on communications, gradually but eventually completely outside of the kids stuff. So now she's on her own. She wanted to be S from me, now she is.

I don't know if it's going to work, it's too early. But it's progressing according to plan. Life is not all rainbows after all and she's back on her meds and more. I am doing much better at detaching. I live a more balanced life and I start to look at options outside of her, even if it means co-parenting until I die.

She is everything I am not and everything I wish I could be, and I felt inferior to her. So when we argued, I already knew she was better than me, and I cant do any better than her. That whole thing about marrying someone better than you or in a different league? YEA, how i felt. I didnt feel good enough for her or why in the hell she picked me when she could have anyone she wanted. I just felt inferior and anything and everything was fair game- huge mistake. I don't know if this makes sense.

I've been meaning to tell you for a while that I know what it's like to be M to a girl that seems to good for you. Like your W, mine attracts a lot of attention not only because of her looks but because of her personality. She is an easy laugh, she's positive, her eyes sparkle. She'd get hit on at the office several times a year (until it worked, twice...). I never thought I'd be with a girl like that, but I always swing for the fence, like you did when you first walked up to your W. And that time, it worked. A miracle.

So of course, when she leaves you think it will never happen again. I'm not even sure how I made it happen then. That's what my IC is focusing on. He's suggesting that my problem is lack of self-confidence. Not that I don't love my W, but that I would have a healthier reaction if I didn't think so hard that she's the only girl of that caliber that will ever want me. I keep coming back to her because I refuse to see her for the cheeseless tunnel that she has become at BD.

Our wives may not be all that great after all. They're causing us more pain that we have ever experienced. They've left us, they're telling us lies, they're playing with us like yo-yos. Mine cheated on me. Now she left me for a man she met a month earlier -- what does that tell me about her fitness as a W? Before I put her on a pedestal, I have to take this into consideration.

If you've read No More Mr Nice Guy, you know it's all about focusing on your needs. So I need to acknowledge that WAW is no longer fulfilling my needs for affection, respect, sex, intimacy, partnership, commitment, love, etc. And then I need to trust that I will be able to fulfill these needs elsewhere. In my case, it means starting to test the waters elsewhere to see if women I find interesting react at all to me. I've had some positive signs that have helped me detach a little more. I'm not rushing ahead to find a new life partner and I still leave the door open, but it's my way to heal, to become a healthier man who acknowledges his needs without shame and seeks out to fulfill them.