25yearsmlc, There is a lot less stress that is true, as far as the discussion about her things in the house i was just curious how to handle everything i was not implying that i wanted to throw them out maybe i was not clear i appologize for that. She chose OM and i am left in the house. she still comes and goes as she wants with our dogs staying with me. though we do not have many interactions, for a little while things seemed to be getting better as far as just being cordial with one another. I have hid all our pictures and not touched anything else of hers. her closets are still full and i even still do the little bit of laundry she brings by somedays.
since the seperation i have taken up cooking, learning the guitar, finished completing my Advanced Open Water Cert. i'm going to concerts, camping and weightlifting. I stopped helping her fix the vehicle or her scooter, i am taking steps to seperate our finances and cell phones.
When W asked me not to Deploy This was not a Gloss over we talked about it daily for about a month. Where i was before the deployment and where i needed to be could only be achieved through deployment points. She did beg me not to go at first then we started looking at the positives and we decided together though now hind sight 20/20 she just agreed to agree. i see that now and it breaks my heart that i could not see that then. If she would have said anything like i dont think we will make it through this deployment or i'm not strong enough to be here that long without you. i NEVER I REPEAT NEVER WOULD HAVE gone! I believed we were rock solid. Prior my Deployment we had what i thought and everyone else thought was the perfect marriage. She was my best friend, camping buddy, workout partner, everything!
I realized as soon as i got on that plane to fly over the pond, that i should never have sought the deployment. But i was stuck.
I did not want to air her laundry out there, but we were reading a book and trying to follow the plan that was laid out, and i was going to follow it to the T because i didnt know what else to do. Her idea was more fluid she would pick and chose what she wanted to do, work on, what she would give up. Our first plan was for her to cut all ties and contact with OM for a month, she stopped talking to him but did not avoid seeing him on her extra caricular time where they both teach gymnastics.
Plan B was to be completed if plan a could not work. Plan B was for the betrayed spouse to leave and cut all ties with the wayward spouse. instead she said she could no longer stay in the house alone after doing it for 10 months. i understood that and so i stayed she went to stay with a friend and split her time with OM. We have two dogs so she would still come by the house. she asked to make a set time so she could come by but not see me, so i agreed. I thought i was working on Plan B rather well but she read the book too and believes that plan be is for me to just leave her alone to find herself with OM. Kinda like expecting me to give her permission to be with another man while staying married to me.
ATM the Airforce has issued a NC on OM stemming from the emails and texts i submitted to the Airforce IG. W did not take this very well, actually she called it the ultimate betrayal. and said plan be could not be completed if the NC stayed in place on OM. she has really gotten mean and angry on this subject. very hateful and demanding. i have thought about lifting the NC and just telling her this is not working for me anymore either. I do not want a D but i realize that i now have to let her go. The reason i feel sorry for her is that even though she is wayward, it is obvious she is not doing ok, and she is struggling internally, and hurting I still love her and cant just turn that part off. But i know there is nothing that i can do to fix it. She has to find her way out of this with or without me in her life.
At this moment W does not want to work on M actaully resorted to threatening me with D this past saturday if i didnt lift NC on OM, So I am struggling with fact that if i dont lift NC she is going to D me, and i would have forced her hand. But then if i do lift the NC i am not staying true to myself and what i stand for. But can i truly let her go and maintain the NC on OM at the same time?
From what IG explained to me the Airforce has regulations that govern how their NCO's have to conduct themselves and even though they are not punishable under UCMJ the Airman can still get in trouble if he breaks the NC because its a cammand directed order. And that is punishable under UCMJ.
If W was here talking about the sitch she would say that i really hurt us by how i handled the entire sitch from the begining. She believes that i have done everything in the attempt to hurt her and manipulate her into getting what i want. Those words are straight from her mouth. She would say that if i would have stepped back not pursued, snooped, and just let her have her space to think things might have been better. Again hind sight 20/20 i would have reacted far differently than what i did. We are 6 months into this affair. She believes she loves him and our marriage is dead. she says she loves me but too much bad has happened to fix it. I do not believe that but i cannot change her mind. i can only better myself and hope that one day she see's the truth.
Thank you so much for your input and insite it is greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a long response. I do understand that i have blame in this for not acknowledgeing the most important needs of my W, my partner and best friend. Instead i worried about future financial stability. One lesson i wish i would have never had to learn.
