It's all about your confidence in knowing that you'll be okay with or without H. You can make snacks for him and walk away and tell him to enjoy his night ... and YOU can go and enjoy YOURS. Funny thing is: you'll know exactly where H is. But he has to guess where YOU are.
I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I feel extremely smothered by your posts -- even ones not about limp cucumbers. ;-)
I'm going to be completely honest with you -- your posts, get me all stirred up. Not in a bad way. But your posts bring out nervous energy in me. I feel you're almost to the point of trying too hard, and it just seems (to me, at least) like you're at level 10 of analyzing everything, almost down to breaths per minute that your H has. I get a tightly wound vibe from you, and in turn, just reading your posts make me feel tightly wound. It makes me wonder if you're coming off that way to your H IRL? It also makes me wonder if this is something you can sustain? Long term. Especially with all of the analyzing and wanting to do the right thing right now. Trying to control everything and do everything and get everything right and omgwtfbbq!!1. Lady. Breathe. It's going to be ok.
This thing is a marathon -- and if you don't breathe -- you are going to burn out on mile three.
Take a step back and do you. H can either notice and get with the program. Or he won't. But this has to be for you.
I hope you enjoy your spa evening.
Thanks C. I did have a nice spa night.
So, I have anxiety issues (you guessed it) throughout life. My current IC called it "excessive rumination" (IOW waaaaaay over-analysing) and it's definitely something I want to stop, or at least manage. You're right, I'm definitely focusing way too much energy and thought on "am I doing the exact right thing right now".
Maybe I need a spa week.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Sorry if I'm being really stupid here everyone, thanks for your patience explaining to me.
Train, thank you for your explanations on re-attraction!
Originally Posted By: Train
I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?
Sort of. Not exactly. (Is that confusing enough for ya?) "Not caring what he thinks" is actually more like "not caring what he says or does," and it will only come in time; that's more of the "detaching" component of DBing.
For ME, it was more a matter of doing things that, yes, I knew my H would love because it's what attracted him to me to begin with. But I didn't do those things to please him; I did them, instead, to - well, if I'm being honest - mess with him. To get inside his head. To make him miss me and the things I brought into his life. To remind him what I was no longer around to do for him. I didn't do ANY of it to "keep him," because to me, he was already gone. And nothing I did could make him decide to stay. Nor did I want to reduce myself to the little kid at the back of the line, jumping up and down with my arm in the air, yelling to my HUSBAND "Pick me! Pick me!"
First, I'm too proud for that. Second, that looks desperate. Not at all attractive.
I felt AWESOME when I did something that I knew H would love and then walked away from him. I KNEW he was standing there, puzzled. I knew I was driving him crazy. (The proof is easy to see on a man; I'll leave it at that. ) I wore new clothes - nothing trashy but some that accentuated my positives a little more than H was used to seeing. I started wearing a little more jewelry. I cut 10' off of my hair and started taking time to fix it, even when I knew I'd be staying home all day. IOW, I started to do things that made me feel good about me. And that started to make me feel better about where I was going, with or without H.
It gave me confidence. I still loved my H and was willing to work on the issues in our M that led to its breakdown. So, yeah, I would do things that I thought might re-attract him. But I walked away, knowing it really didn't matter. And knowing that I left him confused and thinking ... and even wondering about the fact that maybe one day another man would be getting "that" Train. And men (as has already been pointed out here) are very competitive. Even if there's no competition in sight, when their woman is moving on but dropping little reminders about how awesome she is (so much so that even his FRIENDS are complimenting you), it's likely to get H's testosterone flowing and his wheels spinning.
Right, so, I think I'm understanding now. Like...teasing? "This is what you can't have".
Now this I can do. At least on the physical side, yep I can do that. On the non-physical side, not as sure, need some help.
I think I did this over Xmas, is this on the right track? Over Xmas we were visiting my family and H and i were sharing close quarters. I'd sometimes "accidentally" be standing there in my bra when he came into the bathroom. He'd get..um...excited, and then I'd leave the room. I told my friend "this is great, it's like when you know you're going to see an ex at a party so you buy a sexy dress to make them jealous, except I get to do it every. single. day."
Originally Posted By: Train
If you do all these things to "please" H, then none of it has the same impact. You want him to realize what he'll be missing. If you're not "going anywhere," then there's nothing for him to miss ... or be worried about missing. So drop a subtle reminder every once in a while about how amazing you are, and then leave. Not only PHYSICALLY, as in: get up and walk out with a smile on your face, knowing you just rocked H's world, but energetically (and silently), as in: "THIS is what you'll be missing, big guy. Now stay here and eat your little cookies while I go out and do something mysterious."
Susana, if you're doing these things merely to please H, then think of the way he's interpreting it: Man. All I have to do is threaten to end our M, and all a sudden susana is making me treats, making me a second meal for leftovers, ML to me without me even having to kiss her or tell her I love her ... Pfffft. She ain't goin' nowhere! I think I'll REMIND her I'm leaving again to get more of those awesome cookies! (Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little at the end there, but do you get my point?)
I can't describe it any better than job's Dance of Pursuit and Distance post over in MLC. Have you ever read it? It's one of my favorite links on these boards.
How should this look in practice? Last time I tried to pull back I did it all wrong and I think I just got cold, instead. Yep. It's a tightrope; I get it. But no. Absolutely do not err on the side of becoming cold. We want H to see the amazing susana he will be missing. But we want him to see a little of that susana's backside, too.
It's all about your confidence in knowing that you'll be okay with or without H. You can make snacks for him and walk away and tell him to enjoy his night ... and YOU can go and enjoy YOURS. Funny thing is: you'll know exactly where H is. But he has to guess where YOU are.
Flip the script.
But we want him to see a little of that susana's backside, too. Oh, he would like that.
Funny thing is: you'll know exactly where H is. But he has to guess where YOU are.
Flip the script. Excellent point!
Ok, so am I on the right track here... I usually go shopping for new bras and underwear at the beginning of the year but I haven't yet. Was planning to go soon, because I really need new bras but also because I'm sure it will be a confidence boost. But I also just realised because H does the laundry, he will know if I've bought sexy new underwear, except he doesn't get to see it on me, he just gets to wash it.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
But I also just realised because H does the laundry, he will know if I've bought sexy new underwear, except he doesn't get to see it on me, he just gets to wash it.
LMAO! Okay, the "he just gets to wash it" comment just about made me pee myself.
But yes! This is exactly what I'm talking about. YOU get the confidence boost *and* you drop a SUBTLE hint to H about what he's missing out on. As you said: leave the new lingerie in the hamper, but DO NOT tell him about shopping for it or having new things. Let him stumble upon it. Let HIM start to wonder about YOU.
I'd never recommend that you go *out of your way* to imply that you're "seeing" someone else or ANYTHING of that nature. But to add an aura of mystery to you? That's a DB rule! Run with it!
Here's the thing, susana: I know when we all first land here, we don't feel sexy or wanted. But (and here's where I'm thinking, as I wrote earlier, I *do* think our sitches cross) you're sitting in a position where H is clearly, in many ways, still attracted to you. We're going to hammer on ways you can really hang onto that and use it to your M's advantage.
RUN from being clingy or needy or even giving off the *appearance* of it. Your H needs to see you being light and breezy and a little flirty then - get this - largely UNAVAILABLE.
Right, so, I think I'm understanding now. Like...teasing? "This is what you can't have". Yes. Sort of. But - and I know this is so confusing - it isn't exactly to get a rise or a reaction out of him. It's more to make YOU feel better, and more confident, about yourself. And THAT is what's likely going to get a rise and a reaction out of him. Does that make sense at all?
I think I did this over Xmas, is this on the right track? Over Xmas we were visiting my family and H and i were sharing close quarters. I'd sometimes "accidentally" be standing there in my bra when he came into the bathroom. He'd get..um...excited, and then I'd leave the room. I told my friend "this is great, it's like when you know you're going to see an ex at a party so you buy a sexy dress to make them jealous, except I get to do it every. single. day." Yes. Exactly. If you can get back into the mindset of seeing an ex at a party, and all the ways you'd prepare for that, you're EXACTLY on the right track.
Now keep in mind, it doesn't ALL have to be sexual. In fact, it shouldn't be. The idea to make all the snacks the other day, get everything set up and wish H a good time then waltz out and GAL yourself? Beautiful. But don't backslide into your old ways of being clingy and pursuing ... ESPECIALLY once you have momentum. Keep going!
This isn't to be mean to your H. This is to make you feel better about yourself. And THAT will most likely re-attract him. And you MUST re-attract him before you ever think of reconciliation.
I think you're getting ready to knock some socks off. Just stay consistent.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Hi susana4 - Sorry if I was a little harsh earlier. It tends to happen when something is clear to me and not to others and it's something I need to work on.
I'm wondering about the place of sex in your M. How long after he first asked you out did you two sleep together? Men can think with their genitals sometimes and it's usually advised to delay sex until you know the other person enough to want their company without the sex. If you're pulling him back with your sexy bras, is he going to stay for the right reasons? What else about your sparkly personality does he like? What will he miss if he leaves you? Or what 180s will make him reconsider his assessment of you?
Originally Posted By: susana4
I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?
I think you're confusing attraction within and outside of a relationship. Think of it that way: if a random colleagues comes to you and says that he has cooked this lunch for you and also bought you this CD that you'll certainly love considering your likes on Facebook and that he'd like to take you to a show of the band you mentioned in Twitter, how will you feel about him? I'll venture a little creeped out. Now if your husband does the same thing? You'll be head over heels. It's because your mutual love makes it reasonable to make those efforts. But for the colleagues, the lack of reciprocation make it weird for someone to care that much.
Outside of a relationship, the girl at the bar who's flashing me a smile and then turning to her friends is attractive. The girl at the social event who's funny and passionate is attractive. They're mysterious; they're a target for the hunter. I want their attention on me before someone else gets it. The girl who showers me with interest and does all kinds of things to please me is not nearly as attractive.
Train gave you great advice, but hopefully this also helps a little.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
If he initiates texts should I ignore them?
"Not caring what he thinks" is actually more like "not caring what he says or does," and it will only come in time; that's more of the "detaching" component of DBing. 
) I wore new clothes - nothing trashy but some that accentuated my positives a little more than H was used to seeing. I started wearing a little more jewelry. I cut 10' off of my hair and started taking time to fix it, even when I knew I'd be staying home all day. IOW, I started to do things that made me feel good about me. And that started to make me feel better about where I was going, with or without H. 
