Wife during deployment EA/PA ongoing #4

[25yearsmlc]

I have a few questions regarding how i am feeling at this moment and my actions.

is it normal not to want to see my W at all, I am not angry with her, or resentful. I do feel sorry for her in a sympathetic sort of way not sure why either. But i just feel like i want to avoid her at all costs right now.

That's^^ normal, imo, b/c at the very least, you'll have a lot less stress.

I do miss her more than anything but i still do not want to see her. does that make any sense.

Next question W is not moved out of the house, she is staying with a friend but all her things are still at house. This does not allow for a complete separation in my opinion kinda allows her to keep her eggs in two baskets.

I feel as if your anger (or passive aggression?) is coming out here^^ b/c it's not as if you are tripping over her things, are you?

Just Hide the photos of you two if you need to, but the idea that you MUST ditch her stuff, seems pretty fast and pretty reactive, doesn't it?

Try your best NOT to be reactive in this situation.

It does NOT strike me as "cake walking" either so before you go down that road, think more. Is her stuff being OUT of her reach really such an advantage to her?

I think it's the opposite. She has things she NEEDS but cannot get to without dealing with you. Plus, there is an underlying feeling of displacement by not having your stuff.

It could be helpful of you, and detached, if you could box up what you believe she would most need but I don't sense that you are authentically there.

Know what I mean? Have you read the Div Busting books b/c I can't tell.

IF NOT please do so asap.

IF SO, then can you tell us what your GAL and 180s are? Other than the deployment, what were the marital issues?

As an Army veteran myself (deployed to Persian Gulf in the first Gulf War) and as the wife of a veteran/reservist (h was deployed in 2012) -

I think I can speak to something your w mentioned that you sort of glossed over.

SHE ASKED you not to go and you did NOT have to go. You volunteered, despite her pleas to the contrary.

You claimed that she came around to the decision you made. But to me, it sounded as if she just gave up, b/c she knew you were going to go no matter what she said or did.

I also think her comments and her fears were, for HER, an SOS she was sending you, to NOT go. Maybe at some level, she feels she warned you...??

Some women, particularly those without children or rewarding careers that occupy their time, JUST cannot make a long term separation work. This is especially true when their h's deploy voluntarily.

I'm NOT defending ^^that, I'm just saying it.

Can you see how SHE might have actually felt hurt by your choice? it does not sound like a "marital decision" but rather, it was something she was forced to deal with and boy, she did not deal with it well.



Should i be worried about this or should i take steps to have all her things removed from house. its a tough thing because i dont want to talk to her right now, any ideas or should i just let it be?

Well, what can you handle? So much depends on that.


Also, the more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them.

The airing of dirty laundry is NOT in keeping with DB (read the books to know why) and I happen to agree with that position.

Starsky feels differently, & so you have different opinions on it.

Can you tell us what your wife would say if SHE were here, talking about the marriage?

What issues might SHE believe you could work on? That will help us to help you, to know what you consider valid for your own work.

Also, as a former JAG Officer, here's a thing about the Code of Military Justice for you...

"Conduct unbecoming" only applies to officers. (No such crime about NCOs exists, even if the film "A Few Good Men" said so).

Adultery is still a crime, but I never saw it prosecuted by itself, in courts martial. It was only charged when it was combined with other acts, like extortion or bribery.

It's not exactly a career enhancer however, (a letter of reprimand is possible) and steps will usually be taken to keep parties apart if they are likely to get violent.

Your command will need to know you can keep it together and thus, compartmentalization becomes mandatory.

Stay strong. Become a man only a fool would leave.

That will always be the best choice for you to make.