TLEE86. Part III

[Zelda09]

TLEE,

The mechanics of everyone's suggestions are the hardest. I remember all this great theory I was reading and being like, great - now tell me what that actually looks like. So, pls don't read as a hijack. And only you know how practical any of my advice may be to your sitch.

I had a thread about 'separation turning bad' - all I can speak from is my own experience anyway, so check out the attitude I went in with when I took my trip, and how it all started turning. There was also a conversation a week later that was important, too. Two weeks later I picked him up at the airport, just for a night, he was angry, cold, heavy talks, and I think you started following my thread a week later.

Difference is, your W is reaching out to you.

My H made it very clear although he'd love me from a distance, he had no need of our R. It was toxic to him. He supported me going to counseling "but had little to do with my happiness now, though all he ever wanted was to see me happy."

Do you see how you can start preserving you, distancing, showing what she has lost through her actions? A statement like that rolled around in my head for days.

I remember feeling sickening antsy feelings realizing he was seriously letting go. What started off as S we both agreed to, we gotta get in a better place, blah blah blah, dates, us working on issues - he pulled back hard after 3-4 weeks to go on a previously scheduled trip (that got extended to six weeks) even when I thought things were going well. I think I had found this forum and knew not to push. We were lightly texting and then I took a chance and wrote THE letter, 'we can do this', convincing, that letter. He got down right mean and cold as hell, like trying to shake me off pant leg, cruel to be kind. I backed up hard, lots of NC days. What a mess before that trip. But all that light texting, moderate sharing - wasn't changing anything. He meant to emotionally separate and that's what he'd done.

So maybe I can take bits and pieces of all this to answer your how-to question.

What it looked like sitting on the other side of table from him:

A man who clearly loved me but was sad and not the least affectionate. (Until scotch). We might have hugged through those weeks, rarely I think. A reserved man with walls up. Ambiguous statements that drove me crazy and shook me out of 'we're S, this is fine, we'll work this out' mentality and inspired me to desperately try - he said when I was I interviewing roommates for our home, if he'd help bc I'd like him to be involved if he were to return -"Z, I just don't see it that way right now. You've got to be able to manage this person. I know you'll make a good choice." Kind, but distant. Short in words. I didn't panic until I saw that distance and realized he was undertaking process of emotionally divorcing me.

Get it? She values your emotional connection or your phone wouldn't have rung off the hook. It's the best card you have in your deck, speaking from someone who remembers being almost happy in first weeks of S; relief turned to panic when I FELT what I was losing. It's not that you have to abandon to make if clear that you're dropping your rope. Love, at a distance.

He also said other things. On the trip - "Z, I'm not saying well never be together again, but I need to work on me right now. I can't do that in a r with you." If your stepmom is reporting this 'working on it' thing from your W - keep your guard up, that means something, but I don't know if it means what you might hope for. H tried to act M, handled relatives' concerns With 'we may work it out, time will tell' until he just couldn't - while he was telling me this stuff. He wasn't playing me, he was putting nice coating on for rest of world. (Your Sitch is different; again, just sharing for perspective.)

What it may have looked like to him on the other side of tables -
realizing I was ready to move on - idk, I told him I also thought that while I was committed to making changes, it was for the benefit of my next R whether or not he chose to be in that. I told him tho it wasn't my preference, I'd scheduled/met withD lawyer. I was unshaken by his talk of us being over, just held his gaze and asked questions about our past, validated how he felt. Sounds like you've got a good base to be able to sit with her and do that genuinely and admit where you failed. I went through the whole wkend trip looking as though I accepted what was happening and was going to thrive, even if I had some faith it could be otherwise. Kind of where I was at, actually. I thought he was drug addicted, questioned if he was really ever right for me, and knew I'd had no shortage of great dates when I met him, this wasn't going to beg last rodeo. Made it clear I was hearing him loud and clear, I stood behind the letter I wrote, but would respond to where he was at accordingly. He became a lot more careful about his stance after that...

So, if you'd put it all together and say this:

1. Pull back, love from a distance and let her react to that shift and feel that you are closing off the parts of you that we're precious to her. Idk what those are, but you do! You ain't giving it away anymore. Ambiguous, kind, but firm if she panics. My H wrote the book on that.
It won't make anything worse, I don't believe. You don't need to hit her over the head with it - one or two statements will send the msg, just like missed, unreturned phone calls. I wouldn't go completely dark though.

2. Within a couple weeks, see her. Be the person you want to be, show capacity for understanding, love, change, peace, all that jazz. Connect with her, but from a point of centered 'you used to be my W' kind of distance. A bit formal, reserved, but interested, supportive, acknowledging. In your case especially, since you are sure you understood what your part in this was. At all times, adjust or pull back or move toward as gut decrees accordingly. (Unless gut gets desperate, tell it to STFU.) you can reach for her hand if it looks like she needs it, but not if you do all by yourself.
If it goes well over the day, weekend, you might quietly let her know you still have faith, and offer a suggestion for where you think you would have to start the rebuild. She'll shut you down or she won't, but it doesn't matter as long as it's 1% to the other 99%.
In my case my H believed I just didn't care about him and he had to fend for himself. For five minutes on that trip I was vulnerable, probably first time ever, and at the end told him he meant the world to me. He didn't say, ok W, I'll come home now - but he did bring it up later that day as a possibility.

*youve got an OM in your sitch. Have you thought about how you would get past that if it came to piecing? It may be worth addressing if you get to that point in your conversations. She'd have to believe you COULD get over it. Can you?

3. Return to your life and mostly forget it ever happened. The ball is truly In Her court at that point.

I hope this helps, sincerely. It's the only thing I know turned my M around, so I may be the hammer for all the world is a nail. But I knew at that point I had done everything I could at least and felt better on that fact alone.