Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[Train]

I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?

Sort of. Not exactly. (Is that confusing enough for ya?) "Not caring what he thinks" is actually more like "not caring what he says or does," and it will only come in time; that's more of the "detaching" component of DBing.

For ME, it was more a matter of doing things that, yes, I knew my H would love because it's what attracted him to me to begin with. But I didn't do those things to please him; I did them, instead, to - well, if I'm being honest - mess with him. To get inside his head. To make him miss me and the things I brought into his life. To remind him what I was no longer around to do for him. I didn't do ANY of it to "keep him," because to me, he was already gone. And nothing I did could make him decide to stay. Nor did I want to reduce myself to the little kid at the back of the line, jumping up and down with my arm in the air, yelling to my HUSBAND "Pick me! Pick me!"

First, I'm too proud for that. Second, that looks desperate. Not at all attractive.

I felt AWESOME when I did something that I knew H would love and then walked away from him. I KNEW he was standing there, puzzled. I knew I was driving him crazy. (The proof is easy to see on a man; I'll leave it at that. ) I wore new clothes - nothing trashy but some that accentuated my positives a little more than H was used to seeing. I started wearing a little more jewelry. I cut 10' off of my hair and started taking time to fix it, even when I knew I'd be staying home all day. IOW, I started to do things that made me feel good about me. And that started to make me feel better about where I was going, with or without H.

It gave me confidence. I still loved my H and was willing to work on the issues in our M that led to its breakdown. So, yeah, I would do things that I thought might re-attract him. But I walked away, knowing it really didn't matter. And knowing that I left him confused and thinking ... and even wondering about the fact that maybe one day another man would be getting "that" Train. And men (as has already been pointed out here) are very competitive. Even if there's no competition in sight, when their woman is moving on but dropping little reminders about how awesome she is (so much so that even his FRIENDS are complimenting you), it's likely to get H's testosterone flowing and his wheels spinning.

If you do all these things to "please" H, then none of it has the same impact. You want him to realize what he'll be missing. If you're not "going anywhere," then there's nothing for him to miss ... or be worried about missing. So drop a subtle reminder every once in a while about how amazing you are, and then leave. Not only PHYSICALLY, as in: get up and walk out with a smile on your face, knowing you just rocked H's world, but energetically (and silently), as in: "THIS is what you'll be missing, big guy. Now stay here and eat your little cookies while I go out and do something mysterious."

Susana, if you're doing these things merely to please H, then think of the way he's interpreting it: Man. All I have to do is threaten to end our M, and all a sudden susana is making me treats, making me a second meal for leftovers, ML to me without me even having to kiss her or tell her I love her ... Pfffft. She ain't goin' nowhere! I think I'll REMIND her I'm leaving again to get more of those awesome cookies! (Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little at the end there, but do you get my point?)

I can't describe it any better than job's Dance of Pursuit and Distance post over in MLC. Have you ever read it? It's one of my favorite links on these boards.

How should this look in practice? Last time I tried to pull back I did it all wrong and I think I just got cold, instead.
Yep. It's a tightrope; I get it. But no. Absolutely do not err on the side of becoming cold. We want H to see the amazing susana he will be missing. But we want him to see a little of that susana's backside, too.

It's all about your confidence in knowing that you'll be okay with or without H. You can make snacks for him and walk away and tell him to enjoy his night ... and YOU can go and enjoy YOURS. Funny thing is: you'll know exactly where H is. But he has to guess where YOU are.

Flip the script.