His reaction was basically "he sounds like an absolute loser, why are you still speaking to him?"
Later the friend apologized for such a blunt comment, but I didn't take it that way at all. It actually shocked me into realizing that he was right.
Lisa, I've been surprised by some of the comments people have made about my H when they found out. I realize that I'm only telling people that are my friends and they are the ones who are going to circle around me. Still, their comments hit home sometimes. And not one of them has said, "Wow, he was such a great guy, I hope you guys can work it out". Not one.
Actually that is different in my case. What a great guy etc......
Until they hear his abuse for themselves then it changes.
A very dear friend of mine heard H say something obnoxious in my absence. And turned to H and said " that is one of my dearest friends, who has only supported you and married you, she does not speak of you in this way. I, for one, will not listen to such talk" . This was reported by a different friend to me, and H just said "idiots stick together". And the response by second friend "I hope V won't stick with you then."
After a while it becomes clear that the alien takes over the brain of some of these WAS. If someone wants out of their M, yes there will be damage, but dignity respect and the minimum of hurt possible. The least damage as in my last D, more in sorrow than in anger. Firm but kind. Stay out of the way, let the partner recover. No games.
He will be a loser if he loses you. That is his loss which in the long run is greater than yours. You will have a life worth living.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think this new phase is also spurred by something a friend told me. We had not seen each other in some time and he was asking for an update on the situation. I explained some of the latest developments and interactions. His reaction was basically "he sounds like an absolute loser, why are you still speaking to him?"
Everyone I talk to is on my side and it puzzles me. I wonder if it's a bias because of how I tell my story or because they want to be comforting and nice to me. Or is it because I'm really the good guy and she's done something unthinkable? In any case, "Nice Guys" tend to be very appreciated in social settings but less so in their private life because that's where they let off the steam and I tell myself that those people didn't quite know what was going on inside the M. I've opened up a little more to some friends about the details and the reactions were mixed: some thought it was no big deal, some thought the relationship was really strained. I could tell it was all relative to their own M.
On the other side, WAW is cutting off people, even as she's complaining about her lack of social network. Just this week, a parent at school that we had befriended last year told me how she willfully ignored him when they met at school. WAW might think herself she has the bad role, of leaving her family and moving in with a new guy so fast. Perhaps what she's really done (leaving me for a new guy) is becoming clearer to her than her official reason (leaving me because we're incompatible).
I can tell that some of my friends hold back what they really think because they see that I still long for her. Others can be quite blunt and literally say "She's crazy". They can't swallow her immaturity, the lack of efforts, the lies, the fact that she moved all out without some kind of break/trial period, that she moved in with this guy, that she keeps trying to keep in touch with me, etc. In fact, I'm probably the most understanding of all. I've started a reflection on my thread about unhealthy Nice Guys and I'm not sure I should be proud to stand for a woman who was unfaithful twice and left me for a guy she met a month earlier. It looks like your reaction is healthier, LisaB.
Wow, I had a lot to take off my chest...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Funny you should bring up NMMNG, Vanilla. I keep seeing it mentioned and the descriptions ring true to me for myself. I guess the G could stand for "girl"...
Mozza, Vanilla, rppfl - I do think there is some truth that I am telling my side of the story to my friends, and therefore of course they take my side and tell me he is an ass. I would expect that. I guess I am just surprised at the level of disgust they display. I can see them saying "oh poor you, what a jerk" but I am surprised when they say "wow, he is a huge loser and didn't deserve you in the first place".
Anyway, something odd happened. I saw WAH and we had a very nice time together.
I hadn't seen him or really communicated with him in 2 months. I would get text messages every once in a while but I mostly avoided him - blocked him on social media, was short with my replies, avoided events where I might see him.
We had some last financial issues we needed to handle eventually, and it was weighing on me. I was stressed about how to handle it and for the past few months have not wanted to communicate with him at all. I have felt quite angry. These issues were not as important to him so I guessed he would never bring them up.
A few weeks ago I did some soul searching to decide what I wanted to do about these financials. In a nutshell, I had the choice to cut the ties or continue to be connected to him. My instinct born from fear and anger was to cut the ties, even though it would not be as beneficial to me as continuing the connection. As I looked deep inside myself I realized that it is more important to me to do what is most beneficial to me rather than cutting ties just because I am hurt and angry. So I decided to have a talk with him.
I asked him to meet for dinner and he happily agreed. When he arrived we immediately started joking around, laughing and smiling. Different. We chatted for a while about life in general. I felt happy around him and noticed he looked handsome. That's different.
Eventually we got to the topic. I had decided instead of telling him what I want I would ask for his thoughts. He said that he would like to continue to be connected financially and would be happy to put in the time and effort to maintain the investments together. This would mean regular discussions and agreements and he seemed excited about that. I must say I expected he would take that route as he has tried to stay connected all along.
What did surprise me was how much I enjoyed being around him, talking with him and joking with him. Pretty much since BD I have been so angry and hateful I have been tense every time we met or spoke. This time I was still wary when he mentioned something that reminded me of his multiple OWs but otherwise it was nice.
You'd think I'd be happy that our meeting went well but instead it left me feeling a bit sad and worried. I have done well telling myself I am better without him, I have taken charge of myself and my life on my own. But having a pleasant time with him made me a bit sad for what we have lost and made me see him as human instead of just the evil guy who stomped on my heart.
I'm scared that continued connection with him will be painful, that I will find out more about his dating life that will upset me, that I will be reminded of his rejection again.
And I am also left wondering how he experienced our meeting. He seemed to have a nice time but is that it? Does he truly just see me as a friend now? Indeed it does seem so from his body language. Of course mine does too I am sure.
Anyway friends, thank you for reading my continuing saga. I hope you are all well.
Interested to read your last post. And good that you have made a decision on the financials - at least for now. Things do shift a bit when we 'see' our S's differently. We may spend time convincing ourselves that our S is awful etc. Then we see them and there's the guy we fell in love with and married.
I guess it may just be about finding a way forward for yourself that best protects you. Your H may feel he'd like to be good friends whilst dating others for example. I know my H would have loved us to remain good friends whilst he had an A - and that was a boundary I had to enforce. But for you, it may be possible to remain 'attached' financially, and liaise on that, but not be good friends. The good news is it's within your gift to set the tone of future interactions. If having dinner is a bit too much, you can meet for coffee etc, or just do financial things by email.
Interesting about the NMMNG...I'm about to order that one myself!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Interesting, Lisa. I can very much relate to where you are at right now. I guess it's just a reminder that we aren't through it yet. Gah! It's the sadness that makes me know there is still something left in me. Once that goes and I become apathetic then I will be done.
I guess the good thing is we've been at it long enough to know that we will truly be ok whatever happens.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I just wanted to say hi and wish you luck in your sitch really.
Originally Posted By: LisaB
You'd think I'd be happy that our meeting went well but instead it left me feeling a bit sad and worried. I have done well telling myself I am better without him, I have taken charge of myself and my life on my own. But having a pleasant time with him made me a bit sad for what we have lost and made me see him as human instead of just the evil guy who stomped on my heart.
I can totally relate to this. As much as I miss my WAW, I've also done the same thing in taking charge of my life etc. I did see W briefly yesterday morning at a meeting at my S13's school. Even though I only saw her for around 15 minutes (and it was in no way a chance for us to meet or talk), she was then in my mind for hours after.
I guess it's all part of the transition. One minute we think of our WAS's with resentment and hurt over what they've done to our R's, but that can turn to compassion and understanding of why they did it and even to thoughts of if this is even the right thing for both us and our families. I continue to flip from one to the other right now even though ultimatley, it's not in my control anyway!
I read NMMNG recently (credit to Mozza for recommending it), and it's an eye opener. I've never looked at my life like that before and it really helped me to make some changes to my attitude. I recommend it to all.
Sending you lots of luck Lisa.
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
