Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[Wonka]

Susana,

Think I was just quite rude to H, but I don't really care.

Slapping my forehead

What fer??!!!! If I were you, I'd light up seeing H come by regardless of the time. It's that simple.

Rudeness gets people bent out of shape. Not the warm and fuzzy Susana. Better find her fast before she goes off the deep end.

[Train]

My comments are based on the sum-total of all of their interactions since the sex the other night, Wonka. Reading them made ME feel smothered; I can only imagine how Susan's H felt.

I have the added advantage of having gone back through the threads, just before the ML session, because I needed to catch up.

And because of that, I agree entirely with Starsky here. Though I'm no man, I, too, felt smothered reading the exchanges since ML. As Starsky pointed out, it's not really about the cucumber; it's about "the sum-total of all the interactions." The cuke just sent it a little over the edge is all.

[Train]

Oh geez. In two seconds flat, we went from limp cucumbers to this ...

I can't keep up ...

[susana4]

I apologised. Thanks for calling me up on it, guys.

I have some issues around childhood abuse that are triggered by someone coming into the house unexpectedly. I'm working on it but H and I have an agreement (which we came up with in MC) that he will text me when he's on his way home or nearly at the house. He didn't text me, and I went into panic mode when he came in (I know it's ridiculous).

I just went and apologised for being rude, he said I wasn't but he could tell I was startled/scared and he apologised for not texting.

[susana4]

Remember that men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Men are sexual pursurers and emotional distancers.

Women are emotional pursurers and sexual distancers.

Another words men are the cave dwellers that hunt and spear,
women are the nurturers(emotional)

The fact that you didnt realize this is really natural, however I agree with Starsky.

Thanks Cadet. I'm currently MAFMWAFV, I might reread it.

[Starsky309]

I apologised. Thanks for calling me up on it, guys.

I have some issues around childhood abuse that are triggered by someone coming into the house unexpectedly. I'm working on it but H and I have an agreement (which we came up with in MC) that he will text me when he's on his way home or nearly at the house. He didn't text me, and I went into panic mode when he came in (I know it's ridiculous).

I just went and apologised for being rude, he said I wasn't but he could tell I was startled/scared and he apologised for not texting.

I'm sorry Susana, I wasn't aware of that. Yes, he should have texted you then. Still, I'm glad you apologized and that he did as well.


Starsky

[susana4]

Fwiw, I couldn't agree more with Mozza here:

Here's my blunt man perspective on it: it was not lighthearted, it was over the top. Setting up a quiz about the carrots and bok choy then texting me about it when I just go about eating lunch? Like it's that important? And you adding that you took all this time to cook something else? Gosh, give me some space. Put the cucumbers in there and move on to something important, I'm embarrassed you took this much time just to make sure I don't put a tooth in a mushy cucumber. You're certainly not playing hard to get.

I know his post may sound harsh, but I think it's spot-on. Especially about the smothering-mother over the vegetables.

And Starsky is right: You bringing that up in your text to H was just ... awkward.

I just read through the last part of your last thread, susana, and now through this one. I noticed Wonka referring you to my threads and you asked about the similarities in our sitches. I think it's more that the *recommendations* to help with re-attraction are similar. And why? Because there's something we're all noticing about your H: Behind his words, it still seems he's on the fence a little and watching. My H - even though he was actively in an A - was the same way. He consistently "sniffed" around; it was clear he wasn't die-hard committed to checking-out, even though he had moved out and was SAYING he was "done" and would never return.

I think the *difference* in our sitches is that I didn't mistake "re-attracting" my H for "pursuing" or "pleasing" him. IMO, there's a HUGE difference between those two things.

I may have it all wrong, but just based on what I'm reading:

When Wonka mentioned the snacks and being light and breezy (IOW, leaving the snacks and then walking away, light and breezy, telling H to enjoy his time), it seems *you* put more emphasis on the snacks. *I* read it and put more emphasis on the *walk away light and breezy* part. THAT makes your actions more about YOU - and how YOU will feel when you walk away - than how HE is going to feel about the snacks. Make sense?

The re-attraction thing isn't an attempt to please him back into your M. It's about shining a spotlight on the AWESOME parts of you ... to give him something to think about ... while you turn around and walk away, without a care in the world about the effect that your awesomeness has on him.

It feels to me like you're trying to please him an awful lot - yes, getting awfully close to trying WAY too hard - and then it's like you're standing around (as Starsky pointed out), waiting for him not only to notice but to SAY something about it all.

I agree with the others: back way off for a bit and give H some time to breathe. Don't smother him. Don't mother him.

Thanks Train for reading through my threads and for your thoughts. I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?

Everyone seems to be in agreement about backing off.

I am going to.

How should this look in practice? Last time I tried to pull back I did it all wrong and I think I just got cold, instead. :S

[Wonka]

Susana,

It means no texting, no tests, no nothing. Just act upbeat and breezy with H when he comes around. Like a normal work week.

No navel gazing.

Capisce?

[Calibri]

Susana,

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I feel extremely smothered by your posts -- even ones not about limp cucumbers. ;-)

I'm going to be completely honest with you -- your posts, get me all stirred up. Not in a bad way. But your posts bring out nervous energy in me. I feel you're almost to the point of trying too hard, and it just seems (to me, at least) like you're at level 10 of analyzing everything, almost down to breaths per minute that your H has. I get a tightly wound vibe from you, and in turn, just reading your posts make me feel tightly wound. It makes me wonder if you're coming off that way to your H IRL? It also makes me wonder if this is something you can sustain? Long term. Especially with all of the analyzing and wanting to do the right thing right now. Trying to control everything and do everything and get everything right and omgwtfbbq!!1. Lady. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

This thing is a marathon -- and if you don't breathe -- you are going to burn out on mile three.

Take a step back and do you. H can either notice and get with the program. Or he won't. But this has to be for you.

I hope you enjoy your spa evening.

[Train]

I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?

Sort of. Not exactly. (Is that confusing enough for ya?) "Not caring what he thinks" is actually more like "not caring what he says or does," and it will only come in time; that's more of the "detaching" component of DBing.

For ME, it was more a matter of doing things that, yes, I knew my H would love because it's what attracted him to me to begin with. But I didn't do those things to please him; I did them, instead, to - well, if I'm being honest - mess with him. To get inside his head. To make him miss me and the things I brought into his life. To remind him what I was no longer around to do for him. I didn't do ANY of it to "keep him," because to me, he was already gone. And nothing I did could make him decide to stay. Nor did I want to reduce myself to the little kid at the back of the line, jumping up and down with my arm in the air, yelling to my HUSBAND "Pick me! Pick me!"

First, I'm too proud for that. Second, that looks desperate. Not at all attractive.

I felt AWESOME when I did something that I knew H would love and then walked away from him. I KNEW he was standing there, puzzled. I knew I was driving him crazy. (The proof is easy to see on a man; I'll leave it at that. ) I wore new clothes - nothing trashy but some that accentuated my positives a little more than H was used to seeing. I started wearing a little more jewelry. I cut 10' off of my hair and started taking time to fix it, even when I knew I'd be staying home all day. IOW, I started to do things that made me feel good about me. And that started to make me feel better about where I was going, with or without H.

It gave me confidence. I still loved my H and was willing to work on the issues in our M that led to its breakdown. So, yeah, I would do things that I thought might re-attract him. But I walked away, knowing it really didn't matter. And knowing that I left him confused and thinking ... and even wondering about the fact that maybe one day another man would be getting "that" Train. And men (as has already been pointed out here) are very competitive. Even if there's no competition in sight, when their woman is moving on but dropping little reminders about how awesome she is (so much so that even his FRIENDS are complimenting you), it's likely to get H's testosterone flowing and his wheels spinning.

If you do all these things to "please" H, then none of it has the same impact. You want him to realize what he'll be missing. If you're not "going anywhere," then there's nothing for him to miss ... or be worried about missing. So drop a subtle reminder every once in a while about how amazing you are, and then leave. Not only PHYSICALLY, as in: get up and walk out with a smile on your face, knowing you just rocked H's world, but energetically (and silently), as in: "THIS is what you'll be missing, big guy. Now stay here and eat your little cookies while I go out and do something mysterious."

Susana, if you're doing these things merely to please H, then think of the way he's interpreting it: Man. All I have to do is threaten to end our M, and all a sudden susana is making me treats, making me a second meal for leftovers, ML to me without me even having to kiss her or tell her I love her ... Pfffft. She ain't goin' nowhere! I think I'll REMIND her I'm leaving again to get more of those awesome cookies! (Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little at the end there, but do you get my point?)

I can't describe it any better than job's Dance of Pursuit and Distance post over in MLC. Have you ever read it? It's one of my favorite links on these boards.

How should this look in practice? Last time I tried to pull back I did it all wrong and I think I just got cold, instead.
Yep. It's a tightrope; I get it. But no. Absolutely do not err on the side of becoming cold. We want H to see the amazing susana he will be missing. But we want him to see a little of that susana's backside, too.

It's all about your confidence in knowing that you'll be okay with or without H. You can make snacks for him and walk away and tell him to enjoy his night ... and YOU can go and enjoy YOURS. Funny thing is: you'll know exactly where H is. But he has to guess where YOU are.

Flip the script.