Jim0987 #12 - testing out Mk8's new features

[Mozza]

I see that you're being encouraged to be nice to your WAW and try to reach out to her, to warm up your interactions. I say this is too early. At first, it's not about making them suffer from our loss. It's about letting them heal from our relationship. You're not a neutral person to her. You're an aggressor, someone who used manipulation to hurt her. It seems pretty obvious that your wife doesn't trust you, that she thinks you're being nice just to lure her back and then pull a big stick from behind your back. At this point, she needs to know that you are not trying to attract her back. This is what will feel safe to her. In several months, after she's gotten comfortable, she may become receptive to your niceties, but not now.

In DR, MWD writes "I don't know what works, but I know what doesn't work." This kind of trying to be nice, to warm up the relationship with WAW is typical of what doesn't work. She's trying to get away from you. You making more efforts than her to be nice is repulsive. Tap into past experiences when you were really irritated at someone, hurt by them, or just passed them. Show her that you're moving on, so you don't care about being any nicer than she is. She won't think "Oh, he's mean", she'll think "Oh, he's not a threat anymore." You'll revisit in several months.

To give you an example from my (non-successful yet) sitch: when WAW dropped D3 last Thursday, it was -15C outside. Yet, I only cracked the door open to let D3 in and I took just a minute, very politely, to gather info about D3's health. I knew WAW was on her way to work and that she doesn't like being in the house. I wasn't going to give her the luxury of turning me down. Yet, I was pleasant. A pleasant, unavailable person, at least for now. When she's no longer with OM and truly believes I'm not trying to win her back, I'll revisit.

to be honest what I think i really need to do is stop caring whether she is warm, cold or indifferent and I'm getting slightly better at that.

YES! You often describe her moods here and I strongly suspect that it comes across in person, despite your best attempts to hide it, that you're very attuned to them. We're much less subtle than we think. It can be a look that lingers for a fraction of a second, an hesitation in the voice in the middle of a sentence, the position of our body... Part of DB is that you can't fake detachment for very long: you have to feel it to act it.

The next 'event' is the anniversary of her dads death but I can't remember the exact date. Its around now though and I do think a card or something might be appropriate.

?!? How can you believe that this is a good idea under the current circumstances? I wouldn't go any further than a mention at drop-off. But remember that this is a trigger of all that she despises about you. There is NO WAY she will receive that letter and think "Oh, what a nice gesture." It will be good material to go to SIL and say: "You won't believe the gall! Bringing this up again after all the hurt!"

Not a vet's opinion, as you know... Well, why don't you have another look at DB or the 37 rules to see what's recommended?