I still say you have done very well. I wouldn't hang out with her while she's wanting to sort kitchen iutensils, but none the less, you seem to be saying the right things.
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Script? I don't follow but I understand what you might mean, where is this script? I need to read it! lol I presume your experience is that you have seen exactly this behavior before and it is predictable to some degree?
Yes, to the last part of that quote. Almost eight years ago, I came here as the wayward wife. People here talked to me straight and I got my act together. I saw right away that LBH'S were not approaching their WW in a manner that worked. Most of them were paralyzed with fear and thought DBing was some soft method of trying to save the M. They didn't have a clue about the mindset of a WW. I also saw where these WW's say the same thing as if reading from the same script. It is wreird. Anyway, I have tried to help (mostly the H's) by enlightening them about the mind of a WW. Not saying I am the DB board's gift to LBH'S, just that it is rare to have a WW here to tell ya.
If the H would understand how important it is not peruse, cushion, and cater to the WW, and in fact, should act as if he is a WAS and is dumping her........it would reverse things real fast. There have been some women come here to the board, who were caught in an A and the H walked away without even giving her a chance to set things right again. Guess why they sought out the DB board? They were disparate to save their M! That is the kind of information you guys need, but most LBS's on the board just give each other the same kind of advice of "keep on hanging in there". I don't believe I am going against DB principles, but I can say these things where some others hold back. If i know one thing, it is that you cannot "nice" your WW back into the M. MWD touches on it in her DR book, but I think by the time she gets to it, it is too late to be as effective in most M's, or the LBH just doesn't "get it" b/c she says it so much sweeter than I do.
I think there is a narrow amount of time the H has to make this effective. By the time some men finally come to the board, months have already passed. He needs to react as soon as the A is made known. However, in this case with your W, I really believe it will be very effective coming back from her little lying trip to see OM.
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So planning for the week and weeks to come
Only weeks and weeks IF she is honoring your boundaries. If she's still looking for an apartment, that means she has intentions of continuing the A.
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Do I go dark? Last resort? Do I DB hard?
You are definitely in LRT. You need to read that part of the book again, to make sure you get it. Follow the 37 rules. Do not cushion things for her, and do not try to help her leave. Don't rescue her, even if you start feeling sorry for her. This is necessary steps for her to take.
Going dark is impossible when two people share a house together. Forget that, and follow the 37.
DBing hard? You don't see this as DBing hard?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
