We went to dinner as a family on Friday night... but of course, someone else joined us via text messaging... Call it karma or consequences: While texting OW my W spilled salsa on herself because she was sitting back a bit from the table while trying to text and eat at the same time. I'm not a vengeful person, but I did immediately think of that as a bit of karma or God allowing some consequences for bad behavior.
We had dessert at home because W had picked up cupcakes so we could celebrate my birthday (the kids love cupcakes of course!), but she also surprised me by having a large slice of cheesecake for me (instead of a cupcake)... Cheesecake is one of my 3 favorite desserts (W knows all three, of course), and this was a really huge surprise because it showed some thoughtfulness on her part... A confusing surprise, but a pleasant surprise...
Saturday was busy with sports stuff for our son... Saturday night we went out to eat dinner with W's mom and stepdad... Was actually pretty good, but again, someone else joined us via TM... W's mother noticed this and looked over at me while it was going on -- we smirked at each other and just shook our heads like we were both thinking "good grief! grow up..." But again -- there was one brief moment during dinner where W looked over at me (we were sitting across from each other) and caught my attention to point out that our youngest daughter was eating tomatoes -- and for a brief second it was like such a normal moment as if none of this nightmare was happening and all was right between us... But then she went back to texting OW... (eye roll)
Pretty quiet so far this morning -- but I'm thinking about my last couple of updates and BklynMom's comment about how at this age we do feel more secure in ourselves and a greater sense of maturity... And I don't care how wonderful 25-year old OW is -- she can't light a candle to who I am and what I can offer in terms of maturity, sense of self (especially now post-BD with all of the inner-work I've been doing and I continue to do), being a parent to our kids, being a full partner at home, understanding relationships beyond the infatuation phase, understanding what REAL love is and what real commitment is, being able to act in real unconditional/selfless love, and being able to forgive... And 25-year old OW sure as heck can't compete with the history that W and I share -- having a wonderful relationship for nearly ten years filled with deep love and substance, building a family together, intertwining of each other's families, working together on shared goals/hopes/dreams for the future, and openly loving each other (open to all friends, family members, and the world) in a relationship grounded in reality (vs. a secret escape fantasy). She just. can't. compete. with ALL of that! BOOM - Mic drop!
And if W can't ever wake up and realize all of this then that will be so sad for our children who deserve better than a broken home. I will survive because I will always know and believe the truth of what I've written above. This MLC and the A with OW affect me, but none of this is about me because if it was then this wouldn't have happened -- somewhere inside my MLC W is MY W who knows what she had/has in me and that it is good and right and that "us" was/is meant to be and was/is never a mistake.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Oh joy... Monster is back in full force... Her sister stopped by this afternoon to pick something up from the house... W wasn't home so sis asked me how things were going. I gave her an update... W got home and I went back inside the house. Her sister also believes very strongly that this is a major MLC and that my W is making a disastrous mistake... W and sis talked for a bit outside and when W came in she was obviously in monster mode... No clue what sis said to her, but I assume it wasn't what W wanted to hear... Got son ready for a baseball clinic and then she left the house with him... 30 minutes later I got a nasty email regarding the progress of our separation process... Took all of my self-control to not write back with a bunch of obscenities...
W is now reading to the kids before bed... I'm in the master bedroom now... If she tries to speak to me tonight it will take all of my self-control to not just yell f-you! at her.
This was all her choice... She's the one who started an A with OW while she was telling me she was working on us and did not have any intentions of wanting out of our marriage... She's the one breaking my heart... She's the one who never really tried to make things work... She's the one rewriting the history of our life together to justify her current actions... She's the one who decided it was over with no opportunity or effort at reconciliation... She's the one having the stupid MLC and not getting any help for her depression or hormone issues or combination of both...
OMG -- so angry right now...
I need an interview for one of those jobs asap so I can afford to move out... I'm so done with this BS... Let her live the life she thinks she wants... Then maybe she'll start to see that I am not the source of her unhappiness and that what we've had together isn't as bad as she has made it out to be... Maybe then she'll wake the f up and realize what she has destroyed... Maybe then she'll realize that the grass is not greener with the little 25-year old OW... And maybe she won't ever wake up or realize what a mess she's made... Either way -- I'll have the mental, emotional, and spiritual space that I need to keep moving myself forward through my own growth journey...
I know I said several posts back that I am sure that God is in control of all of this and that perhaps the job situation has not improved because I need this time right now to focus on me, but right now I am questioning God's plan for all of this because right now all I feel is a lot of anger and bitterness towards my stbxW.
Going to watch the Oscars now and try to forget about the MLC hurricane that has demolished our happy little family.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Hi Jur. I'm sorry you are enduring monster right now. That's no fun. Put on your suit of armor and let it bounce off. Don't take any of it personally, it's not about you.
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I know I said several posts back that I am sure that God is in control of all of this and that perhaps the job situation has not improved because I need this time right now to focus on me, but right now I am questioning God's plan for all of this because right now all I feel is a lot of anger and bitterness towards my stbxW.
There is a good chance that you will go around and around with some of these thoughts. Putting it into God's hands is definitely something that will keep you grounded. But you will still have to endure really difficult times. It does get worse before it gets better. I am not trying to freak you out or anything, but don't lose faith. It will see you through the hard times.
I have read a little bit of your sitch and I do think you are doing really well.
And this:
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And I don't care how wonderful 25-year old OW is -- she can't light a candle to who I am and what I can offer in terms of maturity, sense of self (especially now post-BD with all of the inner-work I've been doing and I continue to do), being a parent to our kids, being a full partner at home, understanding relationships beyond the infatuation phase, understanding what REAL love is and what real commitment is, being able to act in real unconditional/selfless love, and being able to forgive... And 25-year old OW sure as heck can't compete with the history that W and I share -- having a wonderful relationship for nearly ten years filled with deep love and substance, building a family together, intertwining of each other's families, working together on shared goals/hopes/dreams for the future, and openly loving each other (open to all friends, family members, and the world) in a relationship grounded in reality (vs. a secret escape fantasy). She just. can't. compete. with ALL of that! BOOM - Mic drop!
Thanks for the reminder that this really isn't about me. So hard to remember that when Monster starts spewing... She wants it to be all about me, but I know it's not. I know that when I am out of this house, even if initially she feels free and happy, that eventually her issues/demons will return and she will realize that she's still not happy... I want to believe that she will start to feel even more unhappy because of the mess she's made of her life, but at moments I am beginning to question whether or not she has the capacity to realize it.
I am definitely trying very hard to just give all of this to God with the faith that he has a good plan for all of us going forward and that there is a reason for all of the pain that I am enduring right now. I do feel more grounded and more at peace when I do pray -- so I do spend a LOT of time in prayer these days!
And I stand behind everything I said about 25-year old OW compared to me... no contest! :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Caught up on your sitch a bit .. just some things that I would like to point out that may help you.
Talking to the SIL, ... or any of her family members for that matter, be careful there. While they may agree that your W is in full MLC and making mistakes, I doubt they have done the research and homework you have done ya know? Learning the tools we have here we know for a fact pressure is not good for the MLC'r ... maybe the SIL spit some words of truth and your W took that as pressure sending her off spinning, because up to that point seemed things were going pretty smooth for you. Just something for you to think about and be aware of, I know for me my SIL will say/do things that makes W spin .. I do not talk about her but yeah we get some unwanted help from others through this journey and the LBS is the first one to receive the backlash regardless of the source.
Talking to the SIL, ... or any of her family members for that matter, be careful there. While they may agree that your W is in full MLC and making mistakes, I doubt they have done the research and homework you have done ya know? Learning the tools we have here we know for a fact pressure is not good for the MLC'r ... maybe the SIL spit some words of truth and your W took that as pressure sending her off spinning, because up to that point seemed things were going pretty smooth for you. Just something for you to think about and be aware of, I know for me my SIL will say/do things that makes W spin .. I do not talk about her but yeah we get some unwanted help from others through this journey and the LBS is the first one to receive the backlash regardless of the source.
I think you are right on the mark there... SIL actually has done quite a bit of reserach on MLC -- she's our age as well and she and her H have had some rough patches as a result of ML... However, you are correct in that I am not sure she is aware of how much some "helpful advice" could/would be viewed by my W as more pressure... My guess is the same as yours... she said some things in the spirit of "advice" and W went spinning off into Monster mode (where she still is as of this morning based on how she behaved before she left for work.)
I am careful what I do share with SIL, but she does believe W is in major MLC and SIL and H are both horrified by what my W is doing and both are convinced she will wake up a couple of years down the road and regret everything she is doing right now.
As for pressure... W was pressuring me yesterday regarding the co-parenting agreement and other separation stuff... Just sent her a draft of the co-parenting agreement and included some info that I found about child support in the case of 50/50 custody splits... She is NOT going to like what I shared with her, but I had to be honest and share that even in 50/50 splits, the courts will often order child support based on what each parent earns -- each parent owes the other a percentage based on number of kids and then the parent who owes more pays the difference to the other parent.
Cali -- do you have an extra spew jacket I can wear for the rest of the week after W sees the draft of the co-parenting agreement?
I'm also willing to bet that if she hasn't already done so, she'll be lawyering-up after she sees the draft. I've already got a lawyer, so no worries on my end... But I think the spinning and the Monster are about to reach Cat 5 strength.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I am relieved you see my point .. I did'nt want to be misunderstood. W told me last week or so she knows she is going through a MLC, her SIL told me the same thing .. I STFU knowing that neither one of them really knows what we know, they have most likely not read about tunnels and stages. Before this place I assumed MLC was being 40 and buying that sports car .... heck thinking about it anyone who knows me knows I am separated and bought my Harley back in August... they probably think I am the one going through the crisis!!
Yeah you will have to have a few spew jackets on standby, I find that 3 are mandatory, one is typically at the dry cleaners, one in your closet and I would recommend the third be in a handbag at all times for emergencies. I can relate with the child support .. its the same here, as well with alimony, purely based on who earns what. I am looking at the mediation as just a service to let us know where we stand. Knowing they have to start somewhere is just part of it, I know W is going to flip her lid. For me its just another step and we will see where it leads.
A number of heated email exchanges this morning... Ugh!
Not good at all...
Of course, as I expected, she fired back that there will be no child support and wants that specified in the co-parenting agreement.
But there was a separate heated email exchange and I slipped up... Just vented a lot in the email about my thoughts and feelings about all of this. It is going to set her off in a big way. I know I shouldn't have done it -- but I just couldn't help myself... So I've probably caused a bit of a set-back in terms of any future reconciliation, but at this point there is no option for me to not move out of the house and she's already so mad at me anyway -- y'know just because MLC and I exist and live in the same house that she does so everything must be my fault...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
