Listen, I know you can't see it right now, but it actually went well. It is extremely rare when the WW agrees to everything and is willing to work on the M. Did you know her part of the discussion was all by script? It was. The whole thing for the WW rests on what happened in the past (the blame game) and every time you bring it back to the present issue, she will try to spin it away from her adultery.
I should have told you (but was running short on time) that the immediate goal last night was not to settle all the problems. It was about stating your boundaries and the conditions of her staying in the home. And for several weeks, that should be your top priority in "saving the M". The longer she stays there while contacting OM, the less effective are your boundaries. She has to honor your boundaries, otherwise, she is not respecting you.
Her accusing you of control & manipulation is all part of the WW script. When she does it, say something like, "You see it as control; I see it as protection over our M". And here's an important part to remember, you cannot reason with a WW. You are wasting your breath trying to sway her thinking. She is going to think like a wayward, b/c that is what she is right now.
From this point, do not engage in long talks. It is useless. The shorter you keep it, the better, b/c you saw how she will work it.....right?
Now I hope you will take this to heart. You men think much differently from us women, so don't think it's all over if she leaves. Remember, she has to be hit with the reality of her own decisions. Last night was just an introduction. She has had it made while staying in her cushy home, enjoying her family, having most the bills paid, the other other assurances that come with M. Think about it. She has not had to suffer anything due to her A. The sooner she and AP are thrust into real life, the better for your family. You are right, she will need to experience pain. It is my strong belief that the WW must suffer some type of loss due to their actions/affair.
You cannot fix the M today. You cannot save it, until she abides by your boundaries. Don't engage in other R talk until she agrees to end the A. What she said about telling OM they couldn't see each other is BS. She still hasn't agreed to anything.
Don't pressure. Just stick to what you told her last night.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
