This need not be the end.

[Barry]

Hi all.

Not much going on in my sitch at the moment. W is not wanting any contact still. I will be seeing her tomorrow morning as we have a meeting with the Principal at a school my S13 is attending hopefully in the short term. As I've said before, he has some issues at school which started before BD but have really stepped up in intensity since.

She may well think I've forgotten about the meeting as I haven't been in touch about it. I'm just going to turn up (nice and early) for it. It's the sort of meeting that the old me would have let W attend on her own whilst I worked (she wouldn't have minded this. Now we're separated though, I only get told half the truth from my S13, and half the story by W...and I don't believe half of that either!!
So I'll go and hear it all for myself and see what can be done to help him.

I had a bit of a sad evening last night. No tears but certainly a lump in my throat. The weekends are always a bit painful for me.
I allowed myself 2 hours to sit and mope about things before I wiped the thoughts away. I actually don't want the pain or sadness of my sitch to completly dissapear. If that happens, I guess my hopes or R will be over and I'll have to move on alone. Realistically, R is so unlikely at the moment that I've used it to detach somewhat.

I have an open offer to go for coffee, or maybe even dinner with a woman I knew many years ago. She is single (and attractive) but it would not be a "date", just an evening with female company. However, I'm aware that although this may fill a void in me (I do miss female company, but obviously my W is who I really want to be with), if W were to find out about it it would really be saying to her "it's ok to date whilst separated". I don't want to, and I don't really want her to either.

So for the moment I won't go. There's no rush to do anything...particularly the wrong thing!!

I've filled this week with GAL activities to keep occupied...

Today - Visiting S20, out for a meal.
Tomorrow - Cinema with D15 and S13.
Wednesday - Joining my old football team again (out injured for a year).
Thursday - Start of my Emotional Wellbeing course.
Friday - Gym, then seeing some friends.

This is becoming easier to do as I become more detached and less reliant on my W's company to keep my mental state buoyant.
I truly never realised how wrapped up in letting her emotions rule mine I was. I'm not changing my mind about the sitch and I will continue to DB my way through this until there is no way back. It's just that I can't let the sitch rule my life any more.

Barry.